Okay...so my appointment this morning went okay...i was up plenty early and so was able to get ready at my own pace...it was good.  My meds were increased today.  The effects of the increase hit me while I was out.  Made me feel mildly nauseas but my energy just went down and down and down...and the more I tried to fight it the worse I felt.  I hate this.  I would rather have no energy then the nausea...but it's meant that I had to miss out on family stuff this afternoon....and I'm really really really upset about that.  And I'm having major issues with anxiety...I could try to meet up with them...but there are 9 of them and they're at a restaurant and that is a lot of people for me to be around right now.  I'm so upset and anxious and I'm mad at myself for this....why am I the fucked up one.  Why can't I just chill out and go hang out with my family without getting so anxious and upset about even going that the idea of jumping off a bridge sounds like more fun....I can't help but think everyone is better off without me when I feel this way.  I'm trying to find some positive thoughts but I can't right now...I just feel like such a horrible person.  I suppose I could take an ativan and walk up to the restaurant and still see them....but I'm afraid I'd step into traffic instead.  I had a nap, which is why they are all there and I'm here...if the energy thing hadn't been an issue today I am sure I would've gone while I had a ride.  UGGHHHH.  FUCK I'M SO SICK OF BEING SICK AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS CRAP...I JUST WANT TO BE "NORMAL"!