i'm not doing very good...mentally or physically...i know it sounds horrible to say but part of me wishes that i had been successful on monday so i wouldn't be here to feel anymore...i'm trying to snap out of it though...i really am trying. I even gave the rest of the meds (the ones i od'd on) to my roommate to get rid of for me. There was enough left that I could probably do the same thing another 3-4 times... Last night my roommates friend showed up so they had a jam session. I wish I felt better so I could enjoy it more. Mentally is one thing...physically i feel so weak and dizzy and and nauseas and gross and I still have a cold and I don't know what I'm feeling from what...the cold, the effects of the od, or the effects of the new meds. Plus my anxiety is not good andI really do think there might've been permanent damage to the vein in my left arm. I know I need to give it time to heal but it really does scare me. I move my arm and it feels like an elastic band snapping inside my arm...it's a couple inches lower then were they were trying to put the iv in when the vein blew...but i think that is were i felt the pain when it happened...i don't know. I know I shouldn't be complaining. I am trying to figure out what to do today. I feel like just laying in bed all day but I did that all night. I was in bed and asleep around 9:30/10pm last night and I didn't get out of bed today until 9:30am. My roommates friend is coming by this afternoon for another jam session but I don't know if I can handle being here. I feel like I need to get out...but the only place I can go is out with my mom and she is annoying me so bad. I would go to my sisters but I have so many allergies out at their places and I'm not allowed to take my ventolin with the manerix which I just about always need when I am out there. I dunno. I guess first thing to do is have a shower. I'm going to try to catch up journals and emails some more tonight. Sorry I'm so behind. Thanks for all the support over the past while...I appreciate it.
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When I got out of the hospital, I never really bounced back immediately. There were days I didn\'t want to even go near the silverware drawer or the kitchen because I knew there would be knives around. The thoughts of hurting myself scared me so much that after a while of thinking it over, I knew then that I wanted to live, no matter how confusing or difficult life had been up to that point....Perhaps that is why my parents have been a little hesitant of letting me live on my own. I had been living alone in my own dorm room in college years ago and then when all friends had graduated or had to leave for one reason or another, I was left to myself as the only support...Because of that, I sort have relapsed.....I locked myself in my room for three days. Flashbacks remind me of trash strewn all over the floor. I was nearly going insane, like Howard Hughes in The Aviator, locked in his own private theater, pissing into milk bottles...it never got that bad, because my mother\'s intuition was so strong and connected she and my dad drove 3 1/2 hours to come and get me. I was so paranoid of answering the phone, thinking \"others\" were watching me (I had just read 1984), that I finally picked the phone and said to her, \"I\'m scared\". Knowing she was coming back for me, I collapsed into my bed so tired and exhausted.....Hours later I felt my body jerk, as if my body\'s soul was redelivered back from wherever it was being protected. Like a jolt, I sat up and heard someone knocking on my door. In that moment, I didn\'t know if I was dreaming. It felt like I was Alice in Wonderland, with the prescription bottle labeled...SWALLOW ME. I had one second of coherence and concern as I saw the empty bottle. Did I take it all at once? Or did I simply run out of my medication?.... I cannot explain to you how eerie that moment felt, when my body felt as though it was revived. If I could explain, it might look like those movies when a person\'s spirit reenters it\'s body, like in Bruce Almighty...only I never got to see God....at least not yet.
Back in therapy, I knew it would be difficult to rebound based on my previous experience with my first manic episode that hospitalized me....The one thing I did learn was this:
YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
And so you shall too. Learn new ways to live. Learn new ways to cope. Learn new ways to reach out (a social network of any kind is very important). And you will be able to because I have confidence in you that you\'ll survive....ONE DAY AT A TIME :)
**HUGS****
You only got out of the hospital Monday! Give yourself time to recover. If you slept for 12 hours last night it is because your body needs to sleep to recover. The vein will take awhile to heal probably 3-4 weeks. I have seen this many times in the hospital where I have worked for over 30 years (veins are my business). It will heal but it takes time. So relax, and let your body recover.
As St. Paul says \" the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.\"
Nan