i'm not doing very good...mentally or physically...i know it sounds horrible to say but part of me wishes that i had been successful on monday so i wouldn't be here to feel anymore...i'm trying to snap out of it though...i really am trying.  I even gave the rest of the meds (the ones i od'd on) to my roommate to get rid of for me.  There was enough left that I could probably do the same thing another 3-4 times... Last night my roommates friend showed up so they had a jam session.  I wish I felt better so I could enjoy it more.  Mentally is one thing...physically i feel so weak and dizzy and and nauseas and gross and I still have a cold and I don't know what I'm feeling from what...the cold, the effects of the od, or the effects of the new meds.  Plus my anxiety is not good andI really do think there might've been permanent damage to the vein in my left arm.  I know I need to give it time to heal but it really does scare me.  I move my arm and it feels like an elastic band snapping inside my arm...it's a couple inches lower then were they were trying to put the iv in when the vein blew...but i think that is were i felt the pain when it happened...i don't know.  I know I shouldn't be complaining. I am trying to figure out what to do today.  I feel like just laying in bed all day but I did that all night.  I was in bed and asleep around 9:30/10pm last night and I didn't get out of bed today until 9:30am.  My roommates friend is coming by this afternoon for another jam session but I don't know if I can handle being here.  I feel like I need to get out...but the only place I can go is out with my mom and she is annoying me so bad.  I would go to my sisters but I have so many allergies out at their places and I'm not allowed to take my ventolin with the manerix which I just about always need when I am out there.  I dunno.  I guess first thing to do is have a shower.   I'm going to try to catch up journals and emails some more tonight.  Sorry I'm so behind.  Thanks for all the support over the past while...I appreciate it.