i'm not really feeling much like journalling today so i'm not sure if i'll write much or not... most of the day i was super hyper and felt like i could take on the world...i was like that from before i left for my appointment until i was grocery shopping tonight...probably 9 hours or so my appointment with genetics went well...information overload...but it was well...no real concerns...no real answers....but i didn't expect any...i'll try to update more when i get the summary letter in the mail...there was just too much to process...it went well though i answered the questions best i could and was open about everything...and if i have any questions anytime whehter it's tomorrow or years from now I can call them...i'm now one of their patients. after i left the appointment i went to the gift shop for a bit and then used the phone and then there was a pet therapy dog and the owner sitting on a bench so i went over to talk to them and see Cody (the therapy dog)...i never approach people i don't know...and basically ended up spilling like half my life story to the owner...i really swear if i could afford to have a dog i would...i need a therapy dog...lol. then wandered around the hospital (it was the one i used to work at) and visited my old coworkers in the ER (not the one I was just a patient in, lol) and then went to see if my occupational health and safety worker (i don't know her title) was in (she wasn't)...one of the ones working on my case while i'm off work since I am still technically employed by the hospital while on long term disability. went to the bus stop up...well not the closest one...i walked to one up the road were i had a better chance at catching more buses...and just as i was getting to the door of the bus it pulled away...i was not happy...so had to wait and wait and wait...and just as i got on the bus my psychiatrist called to let me know her meetings from 2-4 were cancelled so if i wanted to go early for our 4pm appointment i could. I said i'd stop home and eat lunch and then go right down. got home and still hyper and babbling away and trying to catch up on phone calls and reschedule appointments and couldn't sit still so it took me like 1.5 hours to eat a serving of curry brocoli salad so i ended up having to run for the bus and only got the appointment 30 min early. Oh well. Still was hyper. Glad she saw me like that though for a change so she doesn't think i'm making it up...i've mentioned that happens sometimes after being so down especially if i've been in hospital or once after getting home from my parents. I felt like I could do everything and take on the world...felt so alive...but still felt edgy and restless...but was able to actually show her what it's like for me...and not just try to explain it. She said it seems like since when my moods are low and depressed i tend to block emotions and shut down...and then it's like I kind of get overload and this seems to be how they all spill out if i'm not taking it out on myself...i can't really explain it how she said it...but it made sense. I will try to talk more about it next week. Our session was 1.5 hours as it was and we needed to figure out some of the med stuff and things like that. Completely forget to work on planning for the weekend....and that's not good. Anyway..after that i had to go to the pharmacy and grocery store and was getting tired at this point and hungry and nauseas and lost my hyper pretty quick...and it sucked...i hate being at that store especially at supper time and i got stuck with a crappy cart (my arms are too sore to use a basket) and so just tried to get the remember what the basics were and get them and then got back to pharmacy and had to wait forever...because the pharmacist wanted to talk to me about the manerix and they found out that my main med i use for asthma (ventolin) can cause a life threatening interaction with the manerix...not likely but a chance so they said i shouldn't take it and should try to talk to my doctor about getting a new inhaler...and in the meantime she asked if i could use claritin which doesn't work well for me with the things i would need the ventolin for (triggers like animals, temperature changes, colds, etc)....claritin works better for me for regular seasonal type allergies and only if i take it regularly...so she asked what else i use and i said benedryl (didn't bother to tell her i od'd on it just that i don't like relying in because of the sedating effect it can have) so anyway...the whole situation triggered me and i started feeling really anxious and teary and thats when i 100% lost my good feeling today. I just needed to finish what i had to do and get home. I was tired, hungry, nauseas, anxious, depressed, and feeling major urges to buy the benedryl just to od and to buy razor blades...so i just hurried up and got out of there before i ended up buying anything... got home eventually and unpacked the groceries, put bagels in the toaster (quickest thing that I felt like eating) and took half an ativan just so i could settle enough to eat so i could take the manerix. And I've just been in a funk all evening. I haven't been able to focus on anything and I told my roommate I was in a crappy mood and pissy feeling and that I felt depressed and anxious like last night...but we still hung out and I tried to fight it. I'm still trying to fight it. I'm forcing myself to write about my day and really I don't feel like having anything to do with this computer right now...or much of anything else...but i'm too anxious to sleep....so that means I probably should've taken the sleeping meds awhile back and just gone to bed...but i don't really feel like sleeping either...at least tomorrow i don't have anythign to do except phone calls so i'm not really worried. I need a day or two to rest....only problem is how do i rest and turn off my head at the same time...i dunno...i want to ask mom if we can go for a drive...but i think that will just aggitate me more unless i'm in a hyper mood again. i want my hyper back...i want to feel like i can do anything and talk to everything and enjoy things...it was just a tease...*cries*...literally..