So with the latest experiences, God has once again been on my heart and my spiritual side isn't so hardened as it was before.  I think maybe I still have some walls up but they're being hacked away at in chuncks.  There's just too many things right now to be coincidences and I think if I hadn't done what I did I might still have a super hardened heart.   Being in the ER and people in the next area over praying.  Being on the "wrong" unit from where I usually am and seeing the book by Max Lucado, Cure for the Common Life, feeling the need/desire to get back in touch with my pastor, feeling the need to set up an appointment with the spiritual care worker through the hospital, and being home and when my roommate went out her friend called to talk to her, but then we ended up talking for over 30 minutes (someone I never spoke to for more then 2 minutes at a time before) and she wanted to pray for me and I let her and told her some of these things....and just everything she said seemed to be right on with what I needed.  And reminders that God doesn't care what I did in the past, whether it was 15 years ago 5 days ago, or 5 minutes ago...it's what I do present and future that matters.  He is an all forgiving God.  He still loves me just as I am and I have a reason.  I might not know what it is but He does.  And that's what matters.  She also reminded me of a story that I have heard before:  Each morning Han Han fetched water for his village from the river. He placed a bamboo shoulder pole across his back and put the empty jugs on either side. When Han Han returned to the village, he had one and a half jugs of water.  One clay jug had a tiny crack, and some of its water had leaked out. The perfect jug was proud of itself. It had carried a full load of water. But the imperfect jug was embarrassed. It had done only half of the work.  One day the cracked jug could stand it no longer. “I’m a failure,” it cried. “Why do I have a crack?” Ignoring the jug’s cry, Han Han carefully filled both jugs with water at the river. By the time they reached the village, the cracked jug was again only half full. “Why don’t you throw me away?” asked the broken jug. Han Han smiled at the jugs and put them on the shelf. The next morning when Han Han placed the jugs on the ends of his shoulder pole, he said to the broken one, “For months, I’ve heard you complain.” “I’m ashamed of myself,” answered the cracked jug. “I’m worthless.” “Today when we return to the village, I want you to look along the path,” said Han Han. It was the first time the broken jug noticed the flowers. The colorful flowers made the cracked jug very happy. But then it remembered its crack and the leaking water, and again it felt sad. “What did you think of the flowers?” asked Han Han. “They’re pretty,” replied the jug. “They’re only growing on my side of the path.” “That’s right,” said Han Han. “For months you’ve watered the wildflower seeds. Your ‘failure,’ as you call it, has changed our village and made it more beautiful.” “Then all that time I felt useless,” said the cracked jug, “my flaw was really my most valuable part!” Everything she said was exactly what God wanted me to hear...and though I don't remember much of the conversation I know I felt so much more at peace then I have in a long time.  So, I'm actually glad my roommate went out for a couple hours because I never would've ended up talking to this lady.  There is a lot more too...but I am sleepy and have a bit more to do before bed.  I also have 2 appointments tomorrow, one with medical genetics that I've been waiting for over a year for...and the other with my psychiatrist which I depserately need.  My body is also still recoverying so I need to take it somewhat easy and be nice to myself for a bit so it can heal from the trauma.  I'm by no means all better mentally or physically, far from it.  I'm just feeling like I've stopped spinning so much and am at least facing back in the right direction.