i'm really sorry and ashamed at my entries lately my last entry especially...I am really sorry.  I know I scared and worried and probably offended a lot of you...I honestly didn't mean to...I wasn't thinking clearly, which I know is not an excuse.  I scared myself in the process which in a way I think I needed as much as I wish I didn't do what I did the other day. What I did was take an overdose of plaquenil.  Meds I had kicking around from when I was on them awhile back but haven't been on in about 4-5 months.  Then I went for a walk because I didn't know what I wanted to do, whether I wanted to live or die...when I took them I wanted to die, but after taking them and walking around for awhile I realize that is not the way I wanted to go.  So while I was out walking around I called the police and they came and then they called the ambulance.   From the time I was in the ambulance until the time I got to the ER (maybe 20 minutes, 30 max) I went from having a decent blood pressure to barely having one at all and my heart was all screwed up.  I stayed awake through everything although far away and they were surprised I wasn't more out of it.  They had to use a dopler to find my blood pressure and had to have 3 IV's and about 8 EKG's.  They treated things symptomatically, and gave me oxygen and different meds to protect different organs.  IV potassium is a killer, at first I thought I knocked the IV out of the vein...the burning was very intense...and had to have about 5 of those.  Then one of the meds they gave me ended up giving me a dystonic reaction were my jaw started spasming and the weird tongue movements.  They think that may have been from the magnessium so they had to stop that and give me benedryl.  Not to mention at this point I was so sick vomiting and they were pumping me full of anti-nausea meds and gravol.  Oh, by the way, the dystonic reaction hurt way worse then the IV potassium....and that was bad enough.  Took them over 12 hours to get me medically cleared before I could see psychiatry again.   Then psychiatry admitted me but there were no beds anywhere so I had to stay in the ER overnight in a "virtual bed"....a stretcher in the hallway.  During the day there were still no real beds but they had a "hold bed" a bed on a different unit that I went to for another night.  And then I met with the psychiatry team again today and we talked about 2 options.  First option was to transfer to the regular unit and spend at least another night and talk to the team there in the morning (and chance missing my appointment with medical genetics that I've been waiting to see for over a year) or option 2 come home and try to do things from home again.  That way I can go to that appointment...and I have one schedule for tomorrow with my regular psychiatrist as well.  I opted for option 2 this time.  I can't miss that genetics appointment or that will cause more problems.  So I've got to figure out how to deal from home this time.  And I want to figure this out. I'm still feeling really depressed and teary but I want to fight it this time.  I don't want to give up...well..honestly...part of me still does...but I'm working with the part of me that wants to keep fighting.  I am just going to take it easy until tomorrow.  I will write more about how I feel later since that is what the journal is for.   I'm hanging in there.