11 hours to go i need to find a way to sleep...i took 30mg of oxazepam like about 2 hours ago and it's done nothing...that's the dose i used while in hospital...and i haven't taken it in a few days.  I think it's just too hot in this darn apartment to sleep.  I turned the heat down to 55 (and it still won't shut off) and I opened the window wide and it's like a freakin sauna.  I'm drenched.  Literrally.  If we had curtains in the living room and Ilived on my own I'd probably be walking around in just my undies it's so bloody freaking hot.  I got candle wax all over teh place...I light candles to hide the fact I burn...except that i burn in an obvious place...so it makes now sense.  And how screwed up is it that i enjoy burning but am afraid of the flame burning my nails or of touching something hot when i'm not trying to burn myself.  I guess it must come down to control or something.   I got my postcards ready to send for the swap so I just need to take them to the post office before I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.  It's on the way.    I really want to give into the urges to od but that would likely mean i'd miss my appointment.  So i will probably cut when i go to my room.  It will help me wind down for sleep and keep me from overdosing.  It's the lesser of the evils.  I just need to make it to the appointment.  That's all.  That's my goal right now...whatever it takes to get there.  I don't know what will happen when i get there.  I can't let myself think that far ahead.  Just getting my butt there is my goal.