it's 3am and I'm still awake...but I've accepted that for now.  It's been a really rough day but I am trying hard to stay safe this time...so far so good.  I can't remember what all I wrote earlier and I'm not going to go back and read it now in case I said anything that will get me all upset again.   I laid low most of the evening and stayed in the living room and mostly on the computer doing various things.  I even felt well enough to make some couscous and ate some of that and a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.  Trying to do things that keep my mind of myself and everything lately. I've talked to the crisis team on the phone a couple times tonight and it helped.  A lot of times it doesn't but it really depends on who is working...I guess personality conflicts or something.  I did a heck of a lot of crying but managed to do some talking and work on some things.  Short term planning works better for me when I'm agreeable to working on things and not stuck on the one though that I have to die or hurt myself.  I don't want to give in to things tonight...unfortunately that's part of the reason I am still awake.  I can't go in my room for more then a few minutes without major anxiety and urges.  So for tonight it's just do what I can to survive until I'm so tired that I just crash....or sleep in the living room.  Whatever it takes.  Will worry about getting back on track tomorrow (later tonight).  But just the thoughts right now of having to try to sleep are causing major anxiety and urges and I really just don't have it in me to deal with them so I am trying to keep distracted.  Various things online, did some treasure hunting kind of stuff on second life, and then been watching some humourous videos on youtube.  Here's one of them:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDI6GuAyo94  Right now, my goal is survival until Thursday at 1pm...that's my appointment with my psychiatrist.  At this point i can't focus any futher ahead.  As it is I am needing to break my time into small amounts to just get through.  It's so hard.  I just want to be feeling half decent again...I'm really tired of this.  This isn't who or how I want to be.  Not at all.   Okay...uhmm...writting in here right now is actually triggering me because I'm thinking too much....and to top everything off it's also time of the month...and that's just not helping things at all right now.  Plus I have a cold sore on my lip that hurts like crazy and well a bunch of stupid little things that are just annoying me right now.  I'm just one big ol' crankypants right now.  So that said...I'm going to go find something occupy my mind...and keep me distracted.