ok..i decided no one is going to have the power over me here and whether or not i write what i want or if i keep it public or private.  If you don't like what you read from me then please don't read it. I talked to my psychiatrist and the mental health nurse (my old counsellor) and they both think a lot of my issues and behaviors right now are a large part from the medication withdrawal.  I'm not sure one way or the other, I just know it sucks no matter what the cause or reason.   I know I haven't been a good person here lately but my journal is here for me to vent it out of my head.  That keeps me from internalizing everything and doing more self harm then I already do. I screwed up yesterday big time but I'm trying move forward and trying to be positive...although right now I don't have much of a positive ounce left in me.  I am trying.  I have still been trying to live my life and do things I normally would do when things are going well...in fact I've been doing more of that then I used to.   I do feel like I am waste of time and space and that is reinforced by the experiences I've had...especially when things like last night at the ER happen.  I got home and admit I did overdose...and I'm paying for it today.  No i didn't get medically checked out, but I did tell my psychiatrist and counsellor.  I am feeling more calm at the moment then in a few days except that I have moments of intense emotion I don't know how to deal with and end up a freakin blubbering mess and they make me feel like there isn't a point to even trying.   The crisis team supposedly is coming over tonight.  I don't want them to but I couldn't persuade my psychiatrist otherwise so I will just have to deal with it.  I just want to have a shower, put on a movie, and call it a night.  I'm so groggy from the od (yes my own fault and I deserve every minute of it)...I have a fever and if I sit up or stand up I start almost throwing up.  So I am paying.  I couldn't even take another overdose if I wanted to kill myself...not tonight...my body will not tolerate it long enough for it to do anything.  So unless I come up with some other sort of genius plan (which I likely won't) I am here regardless of whether I want to be or not so I might as well just accept it.  It's either that or back to the ER for another night of hell....and I can't do that again.   Anyway, I've written too much already and i need to lay down.  Oh, crisis team just called and they asked if I wanted them to come.  I said no.  I don't think it's necessary tonight.  That makes me feel relieved.  I feel like crap but I don't have the energy to do anything too stupid.  Not tonight.  So I'm just going to lay low, maybe watch a movie...or maybe just sleep.  I dunno.  I am pretty sure I can make it through tonight without any serious damage.  Sorry I've been a pain lately.  Sorry for my behavior.  Sorry for anything I said that offended anyone.  And please, stop telling me you're praying for me.  Fine if you do it (i can't stop you), I just don't want to know right now.