i can't fucken do this...i'm sorry for burdening people here...i sorry for being such a lowlife.   I'm so fucken pissed off right now.  Not only am I freaking wide awake and freaking out at 4:30am but I went to check how much I owe on some bills and my cell phone bill is insane.  There is no fucken way I have the money to pay it so I'm going to probably see how much it costs to cancel the contract (there's only a few months left)....there's just no way I can keep it up...which sucks since I've had it since at least 2002.  And then my credit cards on top of it.   i'm so fucken stressed and haivng a hard enough time without those things to add to it.   I'm still at my parents house but will definitely go back to the city later today.  I'm freaking lossing my mind.  I just want to fucken kill myself and get it the fuck over with but I failed at that so many times that I doubt I can ever get it right.  Although maybe I should try again...you know that whole saying...if at first you don't succeed.... I dunno...and to top all that off I'm pms'ing.  I'm suppose to start today.  And my back is killing me...well the si joint...whatever that is...in my lower left back hurts so effen bad.  I just want to give up...give up.  I can't fucken handle this life anymore.  I know people have way worse problems then me and manage to be happy...i try to be happy and try to think of those people but all that does is make me feel like more of a screw up.  The BIGGEST FAILURE EVER!!!   i gotta stop writting here...it's not doing me any good and i am sure as hell pretty sure it's not doing anyone else anygood...so instead of making everyone miserable i'm just gonna shut the fuck up.