5 minutes i'm fine, 5 minutes later i am crying like there is no tomorrow and don't know what to do.  I really do hate this.  I have been good though.  I haven't done any cutting or burning or od'ing or any of that.  I have however been eating some junk, but I have been having some healthy stuff as well.   My friend came over today on the way home from her appointment and although at first I didn't want company it ended up being a good thing.  She brought her wigs she bought years ago and we had fun putting them on and we did our nails...it felt so "normal"...something I've been missing out on over the years because of all this mental health crap.  I'm so mad that I've allowed my illnesses and issues to have so much control over my life and for so long.  It's been for like at least the last 12 years.  I don't know how to be "normal" and just do normal girly fun things and to be comfortable with it...I've never really known...I just never fit in.  But it felt so good today to just do that. It's like what "normal" people should do.  Mind you...neither of us are normal (at least in the sense of the word the way I'm using it)...but we are friends and we can strive for some normalcy in our lives and our friendship.   After she left my roommate got home and is like do you like burritos?  I'm like uh, yeah they're ok.  And she said she had one thawed because she was planning to have it tonight but ended up eating out and so it would just end up getting tossed and if I wanted it she's heat it up for me.  I said ok, if it's just going to end up in the garbage I'll eat it.  I'm like the pre-garbage food eater here...I save much of it from the trash.  LOL.    And just as that was ready my sister came over for a bit to hang out.  Her son was playing hockey up the road so she came over and hung out and then I walked her to the hockey rink, stayed around for a few minutes, and then I walked home alone.  Hehe.  But it was nice...just a little cool.  I dug out my ear warmer thingy as soon as I got home.  Definitely going to start needing that.   Called another one of my friends because I'm planning on seeing her and her son (my adopted nephew :P) tomorrow for Halloween.  I can't believe how long it's been since I've seen them...ughhh...last Christmas I think.  Now my little L is about a year and a half.  Yikes!  So if things are going okay I am planning to go treak-or-treating with them and then maybe even sleep over at their house.  My friend, we have known each other since we were 5.  We go long periods of time without talking but we always get back in touch....she's been through a lot of my crap in the past.  She knows I'm going through the withdrawal stuff and that I'm super emotional and irritable but is still willing to put up with me.  I think it would be good for me anyway.  We'll hang out after L goes to sleep and watch movies and have wine (which I don't really care for the wine but will probably have a glass or two)  and have a girls night somewhat like the old days.   For once in a long long time...I actually am feeling some motivation to do things like hang around people, go for walks, do dishes, have a life....even with all the anxiety and things I'm going through right now and the horrible feelings and insanity.  My psych thinks the Celexa may have been playing a role in the energy/motivation department now that I'm starting to see improvements in those areas...and I think I may have to tend to agree.  It's not all from the Celexa, but it definitely appears that it played a role in it.  *shrugs* Anyway...even though I'm still flipping all over the place writting this and it's taking a long time I did take the ativan and it actually does seem to be keeping the intensity of them down a bit....we'll see how it goes.  Now I'm off to go look at some avon books and see if i can find some goodies to order or some xmas gifts for ppl.