this is f*cken pissing me of...not to mention making it damn hard to sleep...6:45am still awake...i'm so all over the place it isn't funny.  Not like happy or anything, not even close, but every time I start to get dozy I get super freaked and teary and feel like i'm going to die, like i'm going to really hurt myself bad...and then like 10 minutes later I'm calm and not feeling like i'm going to do anything except sleep.  Much more of this and i'm taking some ativan...this is ridiculous and even though it's 7am and I should be getting up I need to freaken sleep.  I think that's the only way to keep myself from doing anything...I don't want to cut or burn...I don't even want to od or anything...but then the next thing I know I feel like I have no choice and have to and have to now and it's sounds probably how i'd explain how things have felt in the past...but it doesn't feel the same...and I don't know how to deal with it or how to explain it.  It's not in a rage or anything it's like a calm but not.  I can't explain better then that.  Just that I'm annoyed as hell and just want it to stop and to be happy or at least not like this.  Fighten though...fighten.