i went to my appointment...it went okay but no there is no magic answer and i just have to deal with the med situation a bit longer.  She called me today not long after I had left the message about the fines and said that no, there aren't any fines and it was my choice if I wanted to go to the appointment and that she actually had a cancellation today so I could go earlier if I wanted or could go at 3pm...my regularly scheduled time.  The cancellation was for her 2pm spot so I hummed and hawed about things and ended up deciding to go a little early.  I walked instead of busing...it's not far...only about 15-20 min walk so I should do it more often.  Tomorrow is officially the last day of the Celexa...and then I need a one week clean out before starting the Manerix.  So next Friday, November 7th, I will start the new med.  As for the sleep issues I can either temporarily try upping the oxazepam or I can try one of the ones i've been on in the past...either imovane or trazadone.  Trazadone did weird things to me and imovane i'm scared of because after i had been on it a bit I didn't know what I was doing anymore and some I ended up doing some really scary things while on it...and finding out afterwards...it's bad when you have to call the police and ask them what happened because you have no memory of the event.  Other then that I won't say what happened.  So I opted to leave things as they are for now.  I will use the oxazpema on an as needed basis and if I really really need to sleep I will either temporarily up the dose...or use some benedryl, which she also told me is ok since I'm pretty much out of options of sleep meds so it's take whatever works that causes the least side effects and is not likely to cause problems with the already low white blood cells or lupus-like condition (in other words no anti-psychotics).  I questioned her again about the lamictal because my reading didn't show the white blood cell problem but I forgot to look at the option of it being associated with drug-induced lupus...so that is a no go for me as much as it may be helpful, it is too much of a risk while the other professionals are trying to figure out why I have the lupus-like condition that I have.  So as I expected nothing really my psychiatrist could do.  It's all just time, no immediate options short of going into the hospital again...which I decided I don't need.  I'm not at immediate risk of attempting suicide, i am doing "minor" self-harm but right now that is my lesser of the evils and I've decided right now to be okay with that if that's what it takes to get through this period alive.  The hospital is a standing option if I need it and with the protocol set up I have the option to be admitted if I feel I need it.  I still may need it, but not today, not right now....it's likely going to be a few weeks yet before things start to settle down and I prefer my admissions to be brief as does the psychiatric team at the hospital (average of 3 days).  No, that doesn't mean that I like what I am doing to myself, but I know that is how I cope when things get tough and someday I will have better ways of coping.  In other words....it's my version of having a smoke.  I know it's not healthy for me, but it helps me when I feel stressed...if I don't let myself stress over the fact I am doing it.  It will not always be my behavior, although I may always struggle, I will in time find healthier alternatives that work for me. Anyway...I forget what my point of writing all the above was.  *shrugs* Oh well.  After the appointment I got my regular blood work done, the blood lab is in the same building, and then went to the grocery store so I could use the bank machine and pick up some stuff.  I ended up with a lot of junk...but again a lot of times I will pig out on junk instead of cutting/burning so again it's the lesser of the evils.  I also have been having major urges to go to the liquor store (which is right next to the grocery store) but decided on a healthierish option.  I bought 4 non-alcoholic coolers at the grocery store and didn't even step foot in the liquor store.  That way I still get the taste and hopefully it will be enough to kill that temptation.  So there, not all my choices right now are bad ones.  lol My friend came over for a bit this evening...which was nice...excpet that she is talking like she's in high school again.  Yes she is seperated (technically) from her husband, but she's gone boy crazy on me.  She doesn't even move out from living with her husband until Friday and already she's talking about dating other men and sleeping around and she keeps talking about the man she was with while she was cheating on her husband and how she wants to be with him but he doesn't want a relationship until maybe in three years or so because he wants the freedom to be able to sleep with any woman he wants.  OMG...it's like a soap opera around here lately.  And I'm trying to be a friend and tell her at the same time, girl this isn't cool at all....it might be worldy, but it isn't cool.  She's got a daughter that she's denying this is going to have any effect on.  She doesn't think anything that's gone on the last couple months is impacting her daughter but I can see it so clearly in the behavior.  And now the father is doing who knows what...and what choices he's making...i dunno because even though him and I are friends "it's not appropriate for a man to share what he's going through with a woman who isn't his wife".  Which I can understand but to me is very old-school and extremely biblical when so many actions I see don't match up with what his proclaimed faith is.  And in the mean time, I'm stuck in the middle of these two and can't help but be concerned for their daughter.  Anyway, that's enough about that.  Apparently I needed to vent. OMG...I just finished drinking the second cooler (remember non-alcoholic) and I feel like I'm going to puke...or burst...or something.  Ugghhhh.  I think it's the sugar....since I don't tend to have a lot of sugar anymore...and I've had a surplus today.  Okay...will drink a lot of water....as soon as I have some room in my tummy to accomodate it.  Gotta counteract the gross sugary feeling.