having such a hard time today...i am trying so hard not give into to anything...i promise i am trying..i dunno...i think i'm going to need another hospital admission to get through this alive...i see my psychiatrist tomorrow so will talk to her about my options...I've just got to hang in there until then...less then 24 hours...f*ck that feels like an eternity right now.  I really don't want to be in the hospital again..that would make it 3 times in less then 2 months.  I've had more then that in 1 month in the past...but frig...that's the past...I don't want it be the present or the future.  I'm not suppose to be like this anymore....and yet I'm pretty much just as bad now as I was when I had to stop working.  I feel like I'm such an awful no good person who just f*cks everything up for everyone...can't seem to get things right...I know it's just how I feel...it's not reality...but it is my reality...it's how I see things and even though I *know* that it's not the reality others see it's my reality...it's how I see me.  I am trying not to think that way, not to feel that way, but I can't seem to stop.  I really want to try to do the dishes before my roommate gets home from work....so I'm going to go try to calm myself down and stop crying like an idiot and see if I can get them done.  I dunno though...if there's knives in the pile of dishes to be washed I may not bother.