yeah so i can totally see that my borderline symptoms/tendancies are in full swing now...oh joy oh bliss...i much prefer the straight depression over this but what can ya do...not that i like depression either...but at least when i'm just depressed i know what to expect from one minute to the next...and i'm not as likely to do any self harm...mainly because at that point i just don't have the energy to care... i cancelled my therapy appt...because i don't want to hear right now anymore about how i should be praying and reading the bible...yah i know i should...i don't want to...i don't want anything to do with it right now...i don't want anything to do with anything right now...i'm trying to not withdrawal completely.  My roommate thinks I'm doing better...aside from the upside down sleep.  I hinted at it with my mom but have barely talked to her the last few days so told her that the med decrease is making me moody...that's partial truth  I still have my psychiatrist appt on Wednesday.  Will probably keep that.  It's the most important of the appointments.  i'm down to 10mg of Celexa...in less then 1 week i am off it completely...my meds that i use for sleep...when i actually use them....don't work...i'm awake all night regardless...the sun is up fully before i can sleep...it's already 6am. i still have thoughts of dying...i want to...i want to give in....but i'm ok right now and despite the feelings i am not in immediate risk of doing any serious harm...i might even make it this time without the cutting...i dunno yet...not sure i'm that ok  i've been having fun (and getting annoyed with) the gold treasure hunt on second life...but it's ok because all my annoyances and frustrations are going into that and not being directed inward like usual...though i'm trying to keep it in moderation... i mixed up a box of vanilla pudding tonight....it's ok...kinda gross...but i don't really like instant vanilla pudding at the best of times so no surprise i don't care for it now...does instant pudding ever go bad?  asking that because it's journeyed with me on my last 2 moves...so it's definitely over two years old...probably more like 4years or so....or if it came from my parents who knows...my mom keeps stuff FOREVER...she's the most creative hoarder i know.  I say that because she has a hard time throughing out any type of packed food (and even food that's not), medication, or paper (newspaper, magazines, books etc).  Food and medication she's got to be pretty much convinced beyond a resonable doubt (and then some) that it is not fit for human consumtion...or if it's showing mold then she can let it go.  Papers....she cannot, will not, let go of them until she has read everything in them word for word....and cut out about half the articles to read again some other day.  I call her creative because at first glance her house looks emmaculate.  She's a bit of a perfectionist as well.  But she's got neat little piles of newspapers and magazines strategically placed in just about every room of the house....and under the couches and chairs, and beds, under and in baskets, closets full (just about every closet has them)...more books, newspapers, magazines then one person can look through in a lifetime...and she won't look through most of them....because it hurts her eyes to read and she's too busy anyway.  And speaking of busy...i could write a whole entry about how that goes...but i'm not going to.  I love my mom...her quirks and all.  Ok...how did I get on the topic of my mom and her issues with letting go of...stuff...pudding?  wow...i think i must've eaten too much pudding...lmao oh...so i told one of my friends that i'm suppose to be maid of honor for next september....that i want to demoted.  it's been seriously freaking me out for over a year now...and it's still almost a year away...and i don't feel like i even know that friend that well anymore...and we live so far apart and barely ever talk...i can't do like anything i'm suppose to be able to do as a maid of honor...and i am so unstable and unreliable....and ok...yeah...probably selfish too as much as i hate to admit it...i'm just afraid i will be such a screw up and mess things up that i'd rather prevent a disaster before it happens....is it wrong to not be the maid of honor if i had already agreed to it...if the wedding is still almost a year off?  i honestly did what i thought was best for her by asking to be demoted.  She deserves to have the most wonderful wedding...before, during, and after....and needs someone that can be there for her physically (geographically), and mentally.  I cannot.  I can't even guarentee I'll be around then...she'll already be so pissed if she knows i've been cutting my arms....well cutting period...but my arms especially.  she keeps saying i'm not allowed to cut especially my arms because of her wedding....well news flash...i'm already scarred to f*ck anyway....a few more cuts aren't going to make much difference. so are ya sick of reading yet?  i know i'm writting a ton.  well too bad if ya are...this is my journal....i don't ask you to read.  But i do very much appreciate it when you do...and take time to comment though i don't expect it.  It's just nice. I'll try to work on catching up on journals soon.  It sure doesn't take long to get behind.  I wish I could keep on top better.  Well I'll stop writting now.  Actually kind of starting to feel a little sleepy...wonder if that means I'll actually sleep....since I also need to get up and use the washroom...and that will probably wake me up again.  It's already almost 6:30am....it's time for most people to start getting up...and i'm still trying to wind down.  I know the computer probably isn't helping but it keeps me out of my head and in that sense it keeps me safer....being out of my head also means for me that it takes that much longer before i give into any cutting urges...which actually at the moment are very teeny...if they stay this way i will make it to lala land without any action on them at all... lets see if that happens...think this is enough words from me