I was tired last night.  I was in bed before 9pm...but even with a double dose of benedryl it took forever to fall asleep.  Once I fell asleep though I slept through the night and it was a little after 9am before I woke up. So it's almost 11am and I still haven't actually left my bed except to close the window.   Got a call from my new support worker who I will work with when I do the day treatment program at the hospital.  I asked that we wait until the new year before I start and that is okay....so I will meet with her mid-December to set that up.  I've done the program before 2 years ago....not sure if I really want to do it again or not.  6 hard weeks of work...more tiring then any physical work ever...I remember the end of the first few days getting home and collapsing in total exhaustion.  Just being there and not participating is hard work...listening to everyones experiences.  But aside from that I also know that most people have to go through this program a few times before they are truly helped by it...and since I'll likely still be off work it will be a great time to do the program.  Funny how when I went of work over 2 years ago it was going to be just long enough to get through the program and then right back to work....well...I'm still off work for medical reasons and looking at doing this program yet again.  Go figure.  Maybe that's what I need before I go back to work.  I dunno. I'm going to decrease my meds today....I'm going to try to go down to 20mg (since that's what I was suppose to do on Monday)...so I will try 20mg...but if I'm feeling really crummy tonight I will take an extra 10mg which will put me at 30mg.  Right now that's the only way I can bring myself to be able to do this.  I'm so terrified of feeling worse both mentally and physically and I'm scared I will give into the urges that are hard enough to fight as it is now.  I'm at my worst in over 2 years...but i need to get off the Celexa to see if the Manerix will work.  Even though I am scared of that as well...it's an antidressant but it is also a type of MAOI...but one of the one's with the least restrictions.  Still will have to be careful about some things but not as much as traditional MAOI's.   As for plans for today.  I'm just going to try to positive and healthy...have a shower...and decrease my meds.  Maybe watch a movie or something...I dunno....or my Joyce Meyer video...or something like that.  We'll see.  First I actually need to get OUT of my room.  Hmmm....or maybe I should clean my room.  Ah well...one step at a time. Tomorrow I see the dentist and need to go to the library and to the bank.  And I may go to my friends house if I'm doing okay....see the baby kittens...I think 1 week old or slightly less.  I should schedule a massage as well...my poor back and neck are killing me.  Part of the reason I couldn't fall asleep last night.   Oh...and I actually made it one week without any real self-injury behavior...except for picking which i do practically in my sleep.  But no actual cutting...well no actual cutting in over a week to be honest...and no self-harm since my appt with my psychiatrist were I scratched myself so hard that I caused friction blisters on my thumb knuckles.  Sounds kind of weird and kind of funny to write it out...but that's what happened.   Anyway...we'll see how today goes.  So far so good...but will need to test that by actually getting outta bed and out of my room.  *shrugs*