i feel like giving in...i feel like i shouldn't be here, like I don't belong in the world...I know these are lies but I can't make myself stop feeling them. I want to cut or od...i wish my mom still had dilaudid...I really would like to take that again... It is 1am and I should be asleep or at least drowsy...but I didn't feel like taking my sleep meds tonight...the oxazepam doesn't really do anything and I end up needing to take benedryl on top of it to even sleep...and i'm afraid I'm going to be hooked on the oxazepam so i don't want to take it...might as well deal with all the withdrawal at the same time... i'm sorry for being in such a crummy mood...i wanted to be okay longer...i just want to give in.
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do you read? keep a book of inspirational quotes next to your bed; things to guide your dreams positively should you happen to drift off. also keep a notepad or journal nearby too to record last minute thoughts (gets stuff out of yer head) and dreams.
writing stuff down helps me to relax for sleep. do you meditate? i should as well...
i always feel like i don\'t belong either, honey. you\'re not alone. meditation would greatly help both of us because you know that dialectical behavior therapy they recommend for BPDs? it\'s based on zen teachings of being aware of one\'s thoughts, like a sort of waking meditation. stepping back from emotion and viewing things objectively.
i\'m rambling... *love and prayers*
one more thing: i have a book that i use for ONLY inspirational quotes or poems or song lyrics that i personally write in it. i also write funny quotes from friends and allow them to write their own if they desire. takes me back to some good times
finished now!