i feel like giving in...i feel like i shouldn't be here, like I don't belong in the world...I know these are lies but I can't make myself stop feeling them. I want to cut or od...i wish my mom still had dilaudid...I really would like to take that again... It is 1am and I should be asleep or at least drowsy...but I didn't feel like taking my sleep meds tonight...the oxazepam doesn't really do anything and I end up needing to take benedryl on top of it to even sleep...and i'm afraid I'm going to be hooked on the oxazepam so i don't want to take it...might as well deal with all the withdrawal at the same time... i'm sorry for being in such a crummy mood...i wanted to be okay longer...i just want to give in.