Not really sure what to write today.  I'm kind of feeling cranky and irritable today...but it was nice to wake up in my own bed (as uncomfortable as this cheap crappy mattress is).   I had a really good night last night overall.  My roommate was so kind and made supper and it was super yummy.  Chicken (with honey mustard spread on it), sweet potato, and brocoli salad.  Then after supper she asked if I wanted to go to the mall and get a blizzard.  I've been waiting to have a blizzard with her since before I moved in so I couldn't pass it up even though I had one the day before.  Besides..they only have pumpkin pie blizzards for the month of October.  So she treated me, said it was a celebration because I was home again, and we walked around the mall and enjoyed the yumminess.   Then after we got home and she went to bed I logged into second life and one of my friends that has been a huge support was on.  I was just planning on going on to say hi to people but we ended up talking about a lot of what I've been through the last bit and he was really helpful and supportive.  I didn't mean to start talking about all that stuff but he kind of encouraged it and it helped so much.  And then we read the bible together...which I haven't even looked at in so long and he prayed.  We read 1 John 1 & 2. And everything just was what needed to be said and heard.  God knew that.   I'm still struggling to give everything to Him and to see what it is He wants me to see...but I'm starting to want to "peak" again.  I picture a child with their hands over their eyes...but peaking between their fingers.  That's kind of how I see myself right now.  That's the best I can explain it. Then after I logged off from second life I was trying to catch up on a couple more emails before calling it a night and someone came on the gmail chat thingy that I haven't talked to in a long time.  So we caught up for a bit.  I just missed everyone so much.  I have so many friends and supports on here that God has blessed me with and when things get tough I sometimes forget that I have so many people that care about me and that I care about.  Uh oh...the waterworks are starting now.  I'm so emotional.  But it really does mean a lot to me and I forget sometimes when I get caught up in things and take my friends forgranted.  All of you hear on DS that I am friends with, and everyone on SL, and the various other places and the supports I have in real life all mean so much to me.  I don't like being the one that is always a downer...and always struggling...and always in crisis...that's not who I want to be...but I am thankful that even during those times there are people that still stand beside me.  You are all true friends and I am so thankful to God for you all. Today...is another day...and I'm not feeling all that wonderful...but I am thankful and appreciative and trying to focus on the fact that there is hope even though I don't feel it.  I'm still resisting God despite the fact I know it's Him who ultimately will help me overcome these things...and it will take time I think.  I didn't start having these struggles all at one time overnight...and it will take time and be more then overnight before I overcome them.  But the Lord told me He a couple months ago He would break me in gently...and even though this feels nothing like gentle in my books I know He is true to His word because honestly...if all this stuff changed overnight it would very likely kill me...and He knows that.  Last night I realized....I say how hard things are...but then I think Jesus died to cover ALL of us and ALL of our sins and struggles...he was beaten, slashed, criticised, spat on, tempted, etc and he endured it all without complaint so that we can be free of sin and have eternal life (not in a bodily sense, but spiritually).  When I think of how hard I have it compared to Him...I need to try and stop and remember just how hard He had it.  I don't even want to feel a fraction of how hard He had it here on earth...  How many people are on this earth, how many people are there that struggle and have hard times, I believe he had it harder then any one of us and yet he stayed pure and perfect...something none of us will do...but we can strive to...strive to be the best we can and be more like Him...we need to literally stop and ask ourselves "what would Jesus do?" (WWJD)...we've probably all seen it a million times...but do we ever really seriously stop when in the moment and ask ourselves that question...and not just ask...but DO.  I know I don't always. Anyway...I have written a lot more then I thought I would.  Today I want to just hide but have things that need to be done.  I've managed to get a load of laundry started but it will be hours before it is finished as there is someone ahead of me using the dryer.  This building only has one washer and dryer and it takes 2 cycles to get anything dry in the dryer and the person has 2 loads to do...but hey...mine is started.  It's at least clean now...just dripping wet.  I will soon go downstairs and set it in the laundry basket so if someone else wants the washer they can have their turn at least getting there stuff clean.  Mom is coming in to help me do some cleaning of the bathroom and bring my dresser in so I can have somewhere to put some more stuff...so maybe my room will get a little cleaner.  I also need to have a shower and I need to photocopy some stuff and mail it.  I did talk to my neighbor in the apartment next door for a minute as she was going out to do laundry and then I did meet another person who lives in the building and talked to them for a minute (they were the one doing laundry).  So I've been out and social today and getting things accomplished even though I want to hide in my room, in bed, under the covers.   I'm not quite ready to start updated the no cutting goal.  I haven't cut the last few days but I have engaged in minor self injury type behavior most days (so far not today) and I'm not quite ready to focus on that being a goal right now.  I tried cutting in hospital but well....plastic knives don't really do too much of anything...but I did move my materials out of my room and am half heartedly trying not to hurt myself in any way but like I said...I'm not ready to start focusing on that goal right now.  Just being honest. I'll stop with the novel now.  Mom will be here soon and I should get something to eat.