i can't stop...i can't do anything or i need to do it all...i've been cutting on my stomach and my wrist...i want to keep going...i went out to the kitchen and saw a note from my roommate asking me to do dishes...but all i can think when i am out there is what knife is the sharpest and will do the most damage...even going so far as to try some of them out...this is not good... I took an ativan and 4 extra strength tylenol...and the only reason i stopped at 4 is because i ran out of juice and i don't want to go back to the kitchen...besides...tylenol is an awful way to try and die....been there done that...and don't really want to again...it just doesn't work and makes you feel so awful that wish you shot yourself instead. I dunno what to do. If I had a gun I'm sure I'd have used it. I've got such an awful headache and even those 4 tylenol have done nothing to relief it even slightly. My shoulder still hurts. My joints don't very much anymore. I'm such a loser. I don't even know what got me feeling this bad....nothing that I can figure out. But I know one thing...the world would be better of if I wasn't in it....but I'm too much of a screw-up to even get the solution to that one right. *hmpf*
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I have always been curious why the good looking ones cut themselves. Yeah yeah.. I know it is a release.. but only the hot chicks?
I understand you are in pain. For 20 plus years I went to sleep everynight hoping I wouldn\'t wake up in the morning. Often I would think that the world would be better off without me. But I also realized that I am an insignificant speck on the world and the only effect would be to those closest to me.
I now have a Dr that actually cares about my pain. We work together to find the right therapy or drug combination that works. Without using an opiod.
At this point it looks like Gabapentin, Tegretol and pot might be the answer. At least I am getting mobility in my arm. And a pretty good buzz out of it.
To pass the time I do research and write MY Book of Revelations that can be found in my journals.. just read em in order if you do.
If I were in your shoes I would head on out to Spryfield and pick up a couple grams. Smoke a joint and see if your pain subsides. Should actually start feeling relief before you finish the joint.
As for the suicide.. I never bothered.. I always knew how to get it right....lol
cutting yourself covers up emotional pain. this hurt to read. i have a couple of loved ones who have gone thru this....
i\'m at a loss for words...
Nicole are you hearing me when I write to you? Mental anguish is real, it just isn\'t something we can quantify like that happy face 1-10 chart in the Emergency room. You need to stop, you do it to release endorphins which give a temporary high, but the damage you are doing to your body is real.
Remember you are a temple of the Holy Spirit, there is Jesus in you, even if you don\'t feel His Presence. Stop in Jesus name. Amen!
Dear one, please know that your hurts are real, and you are precious unto the Lord Jesus, and to so many who wish to befriend you. Dear, you are not alone in your pain either, i am now 70 years old, and was diagnosed with lupus, and Fibromylgia and have had all the side effects and ailments that are possible with these problems. I have managed to life a full interesting life despite all of my health problems , which are many. I have also been very depressed, as I gather you are as well. Be strong for you and all those who care so much about you. We can beat these problems, and remember, there is always someone who has more problems than we have. I thank God every day for all the things I do not have. You can do this too! Don\'t mar your beautiful body , as it is the Temple of The Lord Jesus. He wants us well, and prosperous, and will help in our times of need. We only need to call upon him, and burdens will indeed become lighter for us, and we can stand far more than we think we can. Do remember that there is indeed a God who loves us and your many friends and loved ones care for you too. Go to God in prayer often. He is waiting for each of us to talk with Him. May you be greatly blessed, and i pray for your wellness soon. God Bless you Dear, warmly, Jean
Dear Ellocin\'s
I hear you when you talk about your pain! How yu feel unimportant! How all you can think about is the sharpest knife! I have a daughter who used to hurt herself just like you. We have grown very close and I want you to know yu are not alone. You must resist the temptation to harm. All of the loving letters are so spot on. I have read each of them and these people love you and care about you and speak the truth. I confirm what they say. Here is somthing you can try. TELL some one you trust. You will be surprised at who will listen. When my 21 year old daughter first told me about this I was shocked but soon got over it. there were nights when she would call me into her room and ask me to just sit with her because she had such an urge to do harm. she would cry, I would pray, and we would sing. Many a night I would just hold her and and talk her down from the ledge, so to speak. Dear one you are loved, YOU have VALUE beyond all measure! Tell some one. Tell them you don\'t want to be alone. Tell your Doctor, this could be a form of depression from the Lupus. So glad you\'re reaching out here. but it sounds like you need a human touch. I know my daughter did. I am here, many are here for you . May the peace of the Lord be with you!
Hi Ellocin
I am reading your story {journal} 5 weeks on...
I hope you feel at least a lill better...
I have been that low...Took myself into hospital before I could do myself any more harm...
Now I am going through a stressful time...but find I can cope with it sooo much better...
The differences being...I am no longer taking anti d\'s...no longer need them...I have got a emotionally destructive person out of my life...& I have had the mirena coil fitted...Not sure if that has a major effect...but hat is one of the changes in my life...from when I hit rock bottom...
{{{Hugs}}}
Karen x
if you think committing suicide will make things better think again..................you could end up being a restless soul after death...........
I read that people suffering from a Personality Disorder harm themselves (cutting) in order to cope with emotional pain. It is a maladaptive way to cope since it is a distraction (it helps in the short term) but it is not solving the real problem. People with BPD have a hard time managing emotions. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy helps a lot with it.
This book can help a lot Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha M. Linehan (Paperback - May 21, 1993)
or google Borderline Personality Disorder.
There is help and BPD can be successfully treated. Good luck!