http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zM10BLotaY   While I was on pass from the hospital I went with my parents for a drive and this song came on the radio. Pretty powerful words for where I am in my journey right now. So Saturday I went to the hospital....boy is it ever hard to make that decision and go there and wait...and wait...and wait...I think it was 4-5 hours before I was able to talk to anyone.  It's hard to admit that you feel so badly and that you know that you're not safe any longer on your own.  But I got through it and they told me I did everything right that I am suppose to according to my protocol or agreement with my psychiatrist and the hospital.  Anyway, they agreed I needed admission but there were no beds at the hospital I am usually admitted at so I had to wait for an ambulance to be transfered to another hospital in the city. So it was quite late by the time I got there but thankfully they were able to get all my admission stuff done fairly quickly and do the search of my stuff and give me my meds so I could sleep.   Then Sunday all I did was sleep almost all day.  But it wasn't the depressed molasses/lead feeling kind of sleep...it was more relaxed.  I never really realized how tense I had become at home from fighting the urges so much and all the anxiety and just trying to function through each day.  That afternoon I did get up when my parents came to visit and they let me out on a pass so we went for a drive and out to supper...and it was during that drive that I heard the song I posted above which really spoke to me.  Sunday was an overall good day. Monday started okay but when my mom and sister came to visit we went out for a walk and had some issues and they basically left me to do their own thing and I ended up extremely anxious and had major urges so I knew the rules were to go back to the unit.  My mom and sister eventually came back but we started arguing and I had to ask them about 10 times to leave...finally I left my room and went up to the nurses station and it was then that they finaly got the picture and left.  I ended up needing to talk to my nurse and take some ativan to calm down and wasn't allowed back in my room until after supper.  And struggled the rest of the night and had to have ativan again after my sleep meds because I was still anxious.   My nurse and I talked this morning and I knew it was a good chance I was being discharged and I had decided I'm fine either way whether I stayed another day or came home I would do whatever the doctor felt best.  Though I did need an ativan to help me deal with my going home anxiety.  I am feeling better then when I went in, that is for sure...but I still don't know how long I am safe at home for.  So I am aware that I may need to go through this whole process again in the near future but I want to do everything I can from being at home and only have the hospital as a last resort.  When I can no longer handle things with my supports outside the hospital.  At least now I'm back to wanting to live. Anyhow I was trying to wind down for bed and took my sleep meds but whatever bug I am fighting isn't playing nice.  My stomach has been crampy badly again and everytime I settle down I end up having to get up to go to the washroom.  Though my temperature does seem to have come down almost back to normal...so hopefully whatever I'm fighting is on it's way out.  Still I will need to go do bloodwork first thing in the morning since it is fasting bloodwork.  The worst part is that half this stuff I need to get done they checked in the hospital and I know it is fine...but there's a few things on my paper from the doctor that they didn't include so I gotta go through it all again.  The glucose is why I need to fast and they did that in hospital...but because it's on my list to do I have to fast again.  Grrr.  Oh well....nothing I can do about that.  Just have to do it.  I want to anyway because of the low white blood cell count.  I want to make sure they haven't dropped more since I was in hospital.  They make me a bit nervous when they get that low....but will deal with it as it comes. Going to attempt winding down here again in a moment if my stomach decides to play nice again.  grrrr