i don't know how much more of this i can take...i really don't...i'm trying to stay strong especially since this week is my sisters birthday and i want to see everyone...kind of...well...I don't want to be the party pooper like i always am but always seem to end up in the hospital or being depressed for her bday...just coincidence i guess...i dunno.  Right now really thinking about using the hospital option but i don't want to...i just don't know what else to do right now...i made a few phone calls for help but no one is available...all i'm getting is answering machines and having to leave messages.  I haven't called the crisis line here yet because i usually end up feeling pissed off more afterwards and more frustrated and hopeless...and i'm hanging on right now to last bit of hope i have...i'm so afraid that i'm not going to get through this even though i know i probably will...it's just too much for me right now...i dunno what to do