3:30am and yes I'm still awake....been a rough night totally but doing my best to stay safe and also to not use the ativan or sleeping meds.  My body is getting too dependent on them and I don't have a backup plan for sleep meds if I get too used to either of these.  I'm pretty close to my end of options as far as meds go...that they are willing to prescribe me because of my history of overdosing.  I'm ok at the moment but tonight was by far the worst night for wanting to cut.  Yes even worse then the other one where I kind of gave in...was doing that same thing basically but it really was hard to not give in and to actually make myself put the knife down...I didn't want to let it go.  Anyway..I did put it down and no damage done. Actually less damage then even the other day/night.....it was just harder and took longer to fight it.  I'm not liking that the urges are getting closer together and more intense.  Anway...instead of rambling I'm just going to finish by saying it was hard, but I got through it.