still feeling awful but at least starting to calm down and feel semi human again...although i still want to give in it's not as intense...so I guess the ativan is starting to do it's thing the meeting with the pastor went great although getting there seemed to take forever...it's only a 30 min bus ride but felt like forever....but it wore me out.  Anyway the meeting went really well and covered everything I wanted.  And we will probably start meeting on a semi-regular basis every few weeks.  He asked if I had any diagnosis other then depression and I told him yes i have borderline personality disorder.  He said oh yes, bpd, I suspected you might...so he already has experience dealing with this sort of thing which makes it a whole lot easier to talk about.  You know how some people pretend to understand or just kind of nod their head or make some sort of silent judgement, or they think it's because of something you're doing wrong or whatever....you know that type of people....well my pastor is not one of them.  From the first time I met him when I walked in to start the Alpha program last fall and mentioned to him that I have problems with depression...I could tell he genuinely was someone who understood (at least as much as someone can) and cared.  We also talked about other things...and I will probably start volunteering in the next couple weeks with the secretary there on Friday mornings and other times if needed.  We talked about what it means to be "still" in the Lord...and that there are all different ways.  He told me what it is for him, but that it may be different for me and basically told me to stop stressing about it so much..lol.  It might take me some time to figure it out but if I have the desire then in time I will figure it out and God will help me along.  And some other stuff too...so it went really well and I'm glad I made myself get out...even though being out was hard and the busing really wore me out.   Not to mention the buses are what triggered my anxiety today on the way home.  It was an innocent mistake on my part, the bus driver was loading on a person in a wheelchair, but they were on the bus so i thought once they are on the bus then the rest of the passengers can start loading...so I got on...and he told me get back off the bus not aloud on until the wheelchair passenger is fastened in.  Okay, that's fine...I didn't know.  But that stupid little situation which should be no big deal is what triggered me.  I know it's stupid, not worth getting upset about, but for some reason I can't get my thoughts, feelings, emotions, to cooperate with what i know is the true and rational.  So the whole rest of the bus ride I am feeling the anxiety build and trying not to start crying and just wanting the damn bus to hurry the "f*#gsicle sticks" up and get to my stop so i can get off and get home.  And literally I got off and could barely walk to across the parking lot to my building door because i'm shaking so bad my legs just want to give out...and had to go up the stairs, then down the stairs to check the mail...and then up more stairs to get to my apartment.  And I'm shaking and was panicking so bad just trying to get the door open and figure out what i needed to do immediately right away...which in this case was get a blasted glass of water and take an ativan...and then grab my cell phone charge and plug in my phone...and then get the heck out of my bedroom and sit in the living room on the computer.  If I had stayed in my room I know I would've given in.  I was in a panick just trying to get through this process and crying so bad and leaning against walls for support because i got so dizzy and jello-y legs that wantted to give out.  I hate that feeling.  It's so hard to fight through and not act on the moment...and was hard to just take out one ativan and not down the whole bottle....i just didn't know what to do with myself.  Anyway...I'm still anxious and stuff but it's a heck of a lot more manageable then it was when i wrote about 1 hour ago.  We'll see how this goes.   oh...there is a fly flying around my living room that is really annoying me...killed one of them already but apparently there is two...and it's annoying...lol