Took 30mg of oxazepam last night to make sure I slept and it helped...usually I take 20mg but I know 30 is safe as she has told me that this particular med can go up as high as 60mg...just forgot to talk to her about it yesterday.  Tonight if I'm feeling okay I will go without any sleep meds since I have no appointments tomorrow.  I know that means I probably won't sleep much but I have tomorrow where I don't have to do anything or be anywhere so if I'm feeling okay and safe I will skip the meds tonight.  I'm getting too dependent on them again and they are only suppose to be for occassional use.   I am meeting with my Pastor today...have to leave in about 20 minutes.  I decided I'm going to force myself to meet at his office instead of getting him to come here.  I need to push myself to get out today but it's okay because I know I can stay in tomorrow.   I know God is wanting me to be still and just listen to Him and rest in Him....but to be honest...I don't know how to be still in that way.  I might be still physically but I still feel like I need to be doing something which is why I'm on the computer or reading or listening to music or something...never just spending time with Him.  Yes I read the bible and pray (sorta)...but to just "be still" in Him....I can't seem to make myself do that.  You know how you can be around a friend and spend time together and not say anything and just be in their company...that, I think, is what it means to be still in Him (although I'm not completely sure) but I can't seem to bring myself to do that.  If I even start to try I end up daydreaming off in my own little world or falling asleep.  Anyone have suggestions?  People have told me to stop trying and just do it....but how can I "do it" if I don't know how.  *sigh*  I feel like if I could do this that some of my issues might resolve....but I don't know for sure.   Anyway, I need to go get ready to head out.  I still feel like molasses or lead and don't want to move but I am determined to push through it.  Wish it didn't feel like such a chore to breath though....it's amazing how much energy it takes just to do that.  Ah well...guess I just need to fight it...what else can I do.  I don't want the depression and temptations to be what kills me so I have no choice but to fight it...so almost everyday, even if I can't bring myself to pray...I remind myself it's in God's hands and it's His strength that will get me through.  I know there is something good and worth it on the other side of this darkness.   Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.  ~ Psalm 23:4In a devotional I read the yesterday it had that verse and it also says "The dark valley is a place to go through, not a place to stay in."  The devotional is in a book that I got out at the library called Diamonds in the Dust by Joni Eareckson Tada.  It's been very helpful to me so far especially because I grew up hearing about her situation and how she became paralized after an accident (forget if it was diving or horse-riding related).  She is someone that inspires me because of how she lived after she became paralized.  I definitely recommend looking her up online or watching her movie or reading her book(s) (not sure if there is more then one)...or heck, all of the above.   Well, now I really need to go.  Be back later.