Alright, day 90 started off weird. I woke up at 6:30am to knocking at the door. I couldn't imagine for the life of me who or why someone would be knocking on our door at that hour so all the worst thoughts went through my head...like is there are fire (but no alarm), are the police evacuating us for some crazy reason, things like that. Well, the fact I even heard the knocking was amazing...but second I actually decided to answer it...so I stumbled outta bed and got to the door and it's one of the guys my roommate plays music with. He's like I just thought I'd see if you're up since I know you sleep weird hours too. Thanks bud (sarcasm). Anyway, figured since I was planning to get up anyway to make the most of it and invited him in. Anyhow...so we hung out...literally just hung out for the morning, chatted, had coffee and some food, and then chatted some more. I managed to get ready for church at the same time...well...at least looking half presentable...today was just more important to me that I actually get there. So anyway, hung out with this guy from 6:30am until 10am when I said i had to leave and we left at same time. Then bused to church and well I just couldn't get much out of it but did try my best to listen. I usually love worship and fellowship with others but just couldn't seem to enjoy it today. Thankfully this is a fairly laid back church so I just made myself at home in my little area, kicked of my sneakers, put my sweater under my head (on the top of the back of the chairs) and just listened. It was hard just being there and my head felt like it weighed a ton so I didn't care. I prayed a simple prayer...Lord if there is anything you want me to get out of this message, let me hear it....and I did so that was good. Had a moment to talk to someone in the congregation and she asked me what I'm doing now...I said nothing really I'm on disability...she asked why and I said depression...she asked if I had good support and I said yes...and then she said she is a counselor....so that is cool. Also the pastor made a point to talk to me for a minute as well. I think he knew I was having a hard time being there (probably noticed my cozy set-up, lol) but was glad to see I came anyway. He reminded me to call in the next day or two to set up a time to meet with him on Wednesday. I was invited to seniors lunch again today but I just didn't have it in me to go today so I caught the bus home. I am so exhausted...but am trying to stay awake (it's now 5pm). I was online for a bit but had a huge wave of anxiety and huge huge huge urge to cut so talked to someone for a bit and then tried to attend an online service but had to log off because I am just so exhausted and that service was all in text so couldn't read anymore. The urges are not so bad now thankfully...but I think they were the worst they have been and I was all ready to give in, had the knife in hand....but talked it out and within a few minutes the intensity went down...so made it through again without giving in. Praise God. So I continue on today...day 90 (month 3) of no cutting. Let's see if I make it to 91. I am kind of too tired to celebrate and kind of considered this morning an odd celebration of sorts so that works for me. Plus I made it to church so that was a bonus even though I didn't feel like being there. I'll just make extra sure when/if I make it to day 100 that I have a good celebration....like maybe a DQ blizzard. Hehe.