well been talking to my therapist and my pastor and my friend Rachael and am still fighting the urges but i put the knife away.  I think another part of the problem that is making me want to give in is that tomorrow is an "anniversary" date...and kind of puts it in my head more.  This is why I don't usually keep track of how many days or how long it has been but I feel now it is important for me to face it.  I'm not sure really what else to write but just wanted to give an update on things.  Still fighting.