Heading to bed shortly since it's 2:45am...but thought I'd write quickly.  I kind of like writing before I go to bed...helps clear out my head a bit.   Gosh...87 days since last cut...I know I've gone longer (more then 1 year)...but this time around has truly been a battle.  I can't believe Sunday will be 3 months.  Hopefully I will get to celebrate by going to church and having fellowship with those there.  I miss church so much...but everytime Saturday rolls around a big road block hits and I start getting in the "so what, it's just church" mode and then stay up so that I'm too tired to get up and go.  I've been known to sabatoge my own best efforts in the past....lets hope I don't this time.  I've decided...since the 60 day mark that to make the abstinance from cutting more meaningful I am going to celebrate at every 30 day mark (30, 60, 90, etc) and also every 100 day mark....for awhile anyway.  It felt so good to just loosen the reigns on the 60 day mark and treat myself to a few things that I really enjoy.  I knew i didn't have teh money but gave myself permission on that day to use the credit card and buy some gelato and stuff like that.  It was fun and i look forward to treating myself again....just not sure with what yet but aiming for church to be one of those things since I haven't been there in a few weeks and I really do enjoy it when I go.  I never want to leave and then I miss it all week...and then for some reason I don't get there again.  Hmmm....definitely need to get back into going.  Okay..need to stop talking about this...I'm starting to feel anxious a bit with all the talk of cutting...so lets think of something else now...or maybe I'm anxious thinking about church and the fact I haven't gotten there.  I am a bit annoyed with myself over that.  But I need to remember...that while yes church is important...it's not the most important.  What's most important is that I spend time with God.  Church is a part of it sure..but need to be careful not to put church on a higher priority then I put my Father.   Oh my...I'm babbling.   This is only a small bit of what goes on in my head.  I can't type fast enough to keep up.  No wonder I have a hard time falling asleep if I'm not completely exhausted and feel tired all the time.  I don't have to physically move but boy oh boy I am chasing random thoughts around all day...lol.  It's like some sort of messed up game of tag.  Haha.   I'm a little anxious about Friday.  Not in a bad way...but I am seeing the dentist again.  I go to a student dentist because it is way cheaper but takes twice the amount of time.  I don't have worries about their quality of work, they are very thourough and supervised by an experienced dentist who checks everything that did.  But I am worried because of the money situation.  Sure it's cheaper then the regular dentist...but by the time I done with the dentist it is going to end up having cost me over $300 which I just don't have....so on the credit cards it goes.  I consider it necessary so that's not the problem.  I just hate seeing my debt climb so much since it gets worse and worse...not better and better.  And I really want to go on vacation early in the new year...probably end of Feb early March...but unless a miracle happens that's all going on credit too.  I'm so tired of not being able to do things because I don't have money.  Even buying a carton of milk is too much much of the time.  Anyway...I know God provides me with the necessities so I don't need to worry...but for some reason I can't stop.   Alright....I've decided that for tonight....this journal is ending...because I think oddly enough I'm getting more anxious and uneasy with the ramblings I am rambling and feeling more cluttered in my head rather then less....and well....when it's time to sleep...that just doesn't work.  *shrugs* Goodnight.