I know deep down that God is with me even when I don't feel it and because of that I know I'm not giving into the things of the enemy without a good fight...and even then probably still won't.  I may stumble at times, and sometimes I may neglect to put the Lord first (afterall I am still human and the flesh is weak and I still have much to learn) but ultimately He is in control and I know He's not going to let me go that easily.  He's revealing to me over and over that I'm one of His children and that His will is not for any of His children to perish.   "So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish."  Matthew 18:14 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.       2 Peter 3:9  Those two verse have particularly stood out to me over the last few days.  I am learning much over the last little bit and have tons to learn to still.  I am feeling a huge tug-of-war going on inside of me....a 3-way battle....between the enemy, the flesh, and between the will of my Father.  I know ultimately that I want to have a relationship with God and I want that to be first but in all honesty I know I am not quite there yet...I am still battling things of the flesh and things of the Satan.  What can I say...I know I am selfish...not something I am proud of but is something I know in time with God's help will change.  But right now, it is still very much a part of who I am..and I don't like it.  But I guess admitting it is the first step to changing?  *shrugs* This morning when I lied down for bed (at like 5am) I tried praying again.  I am trying to always thank God first for things...but this morning I really struggled.  Yes there are things I am genuinely thankful for...but some other things this morning I wasn't so sure.  So my prayer this morning was that I could pray and be genuinely thankful for things such as each breath of life He is giving me.  I honestly wasn't so sure i was thankful for that this morning.  Now that I've slept and woken up feeling better I can say that yes I am thankful for that....but if I was to have prayed it this morning I wouldn't have meant it...and that bothered me.  So I figured since I couldn't honestly mean it to pray it at that time....instead I would pray that He would help me be able to mean it.  Does that make sense.  I know it was something that truly bothered me...but I am feeling better about now. Something else that is bothering me...well not so much today...but was last night.  If things continue to feel awful and I feel that I can't keep myself safe and need to go into hospital for a few days...does that mean that my faith is weak and that I am not trusting in God enough?  Does that make me a bad "daughter"?  I don't want to end up hurting myself (currently not in danger of it) and I know that I have a choice...but sometimes the urges are just so strong and almost becomes a compulsion...I don't think I just do and then afterwards it's like "what just happened?" and I don't know why I did that.  So if I feel it's getting to that point is it a bad thing to use the hospital as an option or do I need to have more faith and trust God more?  This is something I am going to talk to my pastor about hopefully tomorrow. Anyway, I think I've written enough.  I am at my parents house and need to spend some time with them.  Not to mention I am feeling physically gross today (but mentally good).  I don't know if it's side effects of the increased Celexa but gosh I felt sooooo much like I was going to puke in the car on the way out here and I was sweating so bad.  I'm also quite dizzy today which normally I would think is from not eating enough...but I am stuffed...I ate a fair bit today.  I have a feeling I may have low blood sugar...or something...but it's just a feeling and I'm a bit of a hypercondriact (however that is spelt) at times.  So will try to drink some juice in a bit and see if that helps the dizziness.  I need to make an appointment for this week anyway to get refills for one of my prescriptions and to get some extra blood work done so will get her to add the blood sugar to the test.  *mental note* usually requires fasting so if remember not to eat before the appointment I can go straight to the blood clinic....try to book morning/early afternoon appointment.  LOL. *end mental note* Now hopefully because I wrote it I will remember.   And that said...I'm off for now.