Okay, I don't know if God is trying to tell me something or not but I'm awake again after less then 3 hours of sleep feeling basically like I've slept all night.  If He has a message for me I am not getting it.  I've been talking to Him since I awake. He did however clear up one thing for me.  While part of the nausea, aching, heart beat stuff could very well be related to all the spirtual battles I am now going through....it also could be side effects from the meds as well.  Right now I think He wants me to stop paying so much time focusing on how I feel physically and just trust Him.  I sure can't even BEGIN to imagine what Jesus felt like through His crucifixion.  Not that I am compairing myself to Him by any means...but if I'm feeling this crummy with my "little" issues...then He must have felt 100x worse.  Have you seen Passion of the Christ?  Have you seen how physically wounded He was at the hands of other humans.  My gosh, I can't even imagine that pain, those open wounds, and how He still managed one step in front of the other carrying the cross He was to be hung on (part of the way, anyway).  I can't even fathom that burden...who am I to complain or stop taking steps because I'm feeling so horribly nauseus and in physical and spiritual pain.  I used quotations around "little" not to trivialize what I or any others are going through...but to emphasize the pain He must have felt before and during His death that paid for our sins. So regardless of whether I feel crummy physically, mentally, or spiritually I need to press on having faith that He is providing for me in ALL ways.  Does my human mind understand how to do this....not really....but He's teaching me how to to give Him control and to trust...every painful little bit at a time.  This strength is definitely not my own.  And I told Him tonight when those urges crept up and I felt like taking a blade to my arm and cutting deeper then I ever have that it's in His hands tonight if I am going to get through this...it's by His strength, not my own.  I even asked Him if the hospital is part of His plan for me in these growing pains because I don't have it in me to fight these urges.  He reminded me to rebuke the devil and tell him that he is not welcome in my head, not welcome in my body, not welcome in my room, nor in my apartment, he is not wanted, he does not belong here, and I said this in Jesus's name.  Then God told me to rest in His arms.  And I did.  And He is fighting that battle for me now.  As of right now I am safe in my Daddy's arms and at this point that is enough and should always be enough...but I know I am safe right now and I am exactly where I am suppose to be. I think I've written enough.  I know I've been writing a lot these last few days.  It is helping me process things.  Right now it's to help me work through things as I write my thoughts more freely then I can ever verbalize them.  But I also believe this is what He wants me to be doing.  He wants me to share my struggles, my battles, so that someone who may read this someday will know that they are not alone and that there is always hope in Him...and that in the end it will be completely worth it.