I didn't want to believe until my Pastor said that it could be the depression that is why I am feeling so lost.  But what he said made sense and helped bring a little bit of calm back into my world...so maybe that is what it is.  The depression and chemicals screwing with me...not to mention time of the month.  :SThis part of my journey with God is so new to me...for the first time that I remember I want to feel Him all the time.  I don't want to do it my way...my way hasn't worked.  And last weekend I truly did feel God so it really mixed me up when I woke up one day and couldn't seem to find Him anymore.  I wanted to find Him more then I wanted to even breath....and when I couldn't that made me feel angry and hurt and rejected.  I'm slowly starting to realize that wasn't/isn't His intentions...but this may very well be an opportunity for growth in my relationship with Him.  Does it feel good...heck no...but will it help me grow.  Yes....it will.  I'm not someone who has really ever handled emotions (good or bad) and instead would just cut or overdose or drink to avoid having to feel.  This time I am feeling, I don't like it, but I am feeling and I am not feeling much like using any of my previous coping mechanisms to dull the emotion.  Sure I have used a little Ativan...and one night I doubled up on my Oxazepam and added a couple Benedryl to the mix just to be sure I'd sleep.  Should I have done that...NO.  But compared to how I usually react that was a major improvement.Sure God told me on the weekend He was going to "break me in gently".  I still believe that.  However, my time on earth is relatively short and in order for me to make the progress He needs me to make He may have to work with me at a process that is outside my comfort level which will mean there will be growing pains.  This does not mean He doesn't love me, or that He wants me to suffer.  I believe it hurts Him a little seeing that I am hurting but it's probably the best way i will learn.  I need to learn to lean on Him 24/7 regardless of whether I feel Him there with me or not.  You know, I've already stated I haven't felt much like cutting or taking an overdose or drinking (yes the thoughts have crossed my mind but no major urges)...so maybe...just maybe....I can't feel Him because He's busy fighting those urges and temptations for me.  *shrugs*I dunno...but I do know that I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go before I am finished being molded.  His plan is perfect and who am I to question the big picture?  If any one wants to tell me that having a true relationship with Jesus is easy...I think right now I'd have to laugh at your face in disbelief....because I think right now this might just be the hardest relationship I've ever had.  But I'm going to try my hardest to hang on to the belief that it will be oh so totally worth it!