Decided the best way for me to write in my journal today is just copy and paste today's email communication I've had with my pastor.  I will edit out both of our names to just our first initial.  Hi J-----,Still trying hard to hang on until Monday.  I keep calling out to God and trying to work through this but I feel like I'm talking to a wall of stone.  I don't know where He is or why I'm not hearing/seeing/feeling anything from Him.  I've tried reading the bible, I've tried praying, I've tried just talking, crying, tried worship, tried just resting, and I'm not really sure what to do anymore.  I want to live for God, I do, and yes I do still have some issues with anger/hurt that I'm trying to figure out and I've asked Him to help me with.  I don't really know what else to do.  I don't like who I was becoming yesterday when I had decided I wasn't living for God (there were a few hours there I wanted nothing to do with Him) but realized that is not the direction I want to go in.  Which leaves me looking back at God but I can't figure out how to get any further and I can't seem to get any answers from Him either.  I don't know what to do.  Maybe this is all part of the depression?  I don't really know.  My meds were just increased for the second time yesterday...but I feel worse and worse.  I put another call in to my psychiatrist and am trying to hang on and stay safe.  I'm just not sure what I should/can be doing and how to stop these feelings and how to feel not so hurt and angry and rejected.  I understand He doesn't leave, but it still feels like it.  And I don't know what to do about it anymore.  Sorry I'm kind of rambling.  I just don't know.  I think I need everyone out there who knows me to be praying because I know I can't fight this one on my own and well I can't seem to find God right now for Him to help me fight this.   Take care,N-------- And following is my pastors response: N--------. I believe you probably hit on the most accurate truth when you said” maybe it’s all part of the depression”. My experience with depression has been that it is next to impossible to “feel” good  or close to God during a true clinical depression. Perhaps one of the most important things for you to do now is not, repeat not ,put faith in your feelings.  Our faith ultimately is based on the fact and the reality of God’s love for you, His presence in your life, His plan for your future. For most people, quite apart from depression, that experience or feeling of being loved and connected comes and goes….it is all the more true when your feelings are being so powerfully influenced by the chemicals out of balance in your body. Pray and act out of fact not feeling. i.e. “God, thank you that you love me even though I can’t feel it right now” . “God thank you that your ways and your instructions in the scriptures are true and right no matter how I feel.”   N-------, there will come a time when you will feel him again…but His reality and truth as well as your faith are no less real when you don’t feel it. Hope that makes some sense. In Christ , J------