i'm not feeling so good tonight...it's 4am and i'm still awake... i can't figure out if it's because i can't sleep or if i'm in one of those moods were i don't want to sleep...i just kind of feel like...whatever...i dunno today is the 74th day since i cut and i have mixed feelings on that.  i'm glad i haven't...but at teh same time i want to do it.  i think it's just this space i'm in.  i don't really know what to do with myself.  maybe i should take an ativan and sleep...but i'm not that anxious really.  so maybe i should take oxazepam...except it's so late that  i'd probably sleep in way too late. so maybe i should just take some benedryl....but then i get the drugged feeling.  so maybe i just shouldn't take anything..and shut the light off and go to bed....blah...i dunno... i don't know why i'm having these issues tonight also...i'm really getting annoyed with myself for not  praying...im really really struggling in that area....i think i might be a bit afraid of praying because when i do pray good whole hearted prayers i end up feeling even crummier.  i know that's satan testing me....but still...it sucks.  i should be praying more often because of that...not less. i'm suppose to be praying a minimum of 5 minutes a day as my homework for therapy and i've done that maybe twice in the past week...how horrible is that.   anyway...writting is actually bumming me out more so i'm gonna go...