Well, talked on phone with my psychiatrist about the loxapine.  She's prescribing something else....I think temazapam.  I've been on it before but it doesn't work as well as the loxapine.  Gonna give it a try anyway.  Joy.... Talked to my counselor as well.  Wanted to make sure she was in since it's been freezing rain quite a bit this morning.  She is...so I guess that's a good thing.  My appointment is on...so I see her at 3...2.5 hours from now.  I copied off my journal entries from Feb 22 (day I was discharged from hospital) up to the last entry (before this one).  Also copied out the faces from I think Nov/Dec until just prior to the Feb 22 entry.  I figure these little happy/sad faces might be good to keep track of.  Realized I haven't had any "happy/good" entries in about a month or more.  Can't quite remember right now.  Also, Nov and Dec are mostly made up of the "happy/good" faces...so you can see things definitely aren't right.  It made me realize I've been having a hard time for longer then I thought.  Anyway, she'll get a copy.   I was in the middle of a big crying breakdown when our doorbell rang.  Also hadn't been outta bed yet so the bed hair and tears and I had to answer the door.  It was the post office...yippee.  At least something good today.  I got one of the things I splurged on when I was going through the impulsive spending phase...which has more or less subsided for the most part.  It's an Ashton Drake Blythe doll.  I love her.  I'll show pictures later.  Don't feel like uploading stuff to the computer right now.  She's a reproduction of the original that was made in the...60's I think....maybe 70's.   Oh...I forgot to mention yesterday in my freaking out that I got in to see my BIL.  Or at least I think I forgot to mention that.  He's doing quite well considering although he says he still feels like he got run over by a truck.  Understandable if you ask me.  You can hear the ticking of his mechanical valve...it sounds like a watch.  It's kind of funny.  We keep telling him he's the million dollar man now.  Once his pain meds kick in you'd never even know he ever had surgery.  It's quite something. My aunt is having a hard time.  I haven't been talking to her but mom has.  I don't know if that means physically or mentally.  I know she's trying hard not to catch anything.  Hard though when you live in a household with 2 young kids who pick up everything.   Anyway...I should get up...force myself to eat something for brunch...take my meds...get ready for appointment....cry...ugghhhh.  Wonder if I manage to say all thats in my head if I'll be aloud to come home.  *shrugs*  Oh...my psychiatrist told me she's keeping me off work a ltitle longer yet....because of the sleep thing and the immune system stuff.  Joy.  Oh well....the way I am last little bit I'm not sure work would go over so well anyway.  Crying like a gazillion times a day.  Once I'm sure the impulses die down I will start the Celexa again.  Probably within the week.   We'll see how it goes.