i just know i'm gonna end up dead and i'm so scared...i can't handle this shit anymore I kept it under control all day because i had to go out and be around people but i coudln't handle it any longer.  Mom and I were fighting.  I just end up making life miserable for others.  I really am starting to think people would do better without me in their life.   I need to hold it together until tomorrow.  I see rheumatologist then.  Get that over with and it won't matter anymore if I fall apart.   I need a way out of this hell.  No one I can tell except here.  And maybe my psychiatrist...but I can't get in with her tell next week...I know I can't keep this under control that long.  It's gonna be a miracle if I can get through tomorrow.   Really though?  Why continue trying?  What is there REALLY to look forward to in this life?  No one is ever gonna want to settle down and have a family with me.  I'm too much to deal with. I can't blame anyone either.  If i could get away from me I would.  At least everyone else has that option...I don't get a f*cken choice.  Then if a miracle did happen and someone actually WANTED to settle down...if I had kids they'd end up being taken away from me so quick...cause I can't even seem to look after myself.  This is complete crap.  So basically I can look forward to a life of lonleyness and misery.  Oh how fun is that!?  Note the sarcasm.   I wish my past attempts had worked....then I wouldn't be here trying to figure it all out and feeling like a complete ass.  But see, now I know I can't even do that right.  Just end up making myself sick and miserable.  I thinnk I'm a lost cause.