For feeling crappy and like death I'm feeling surprisingly calm. Listening to my little friends, the mice, in the wall. They are rather entertaining...at least I know I'm not all alone in my little world. Some ways I wish I could get those little critters from inside the wall and house them in a little cage...play with the little buggers. Hehe. I'm still dizzy. Figure it's probably the lack of Celexa in my system. *shrugs*....now if I could feel depressed instead of dizzy we'd be all set. Like I said before, I don't like being depressed either but it sure is safer then where I am right now with all the self distructive impulses. "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15 Haha, at least I'm not alone. I know these things I do are horrible and self detructive and dangerous and I'm scared to death that I will die....but yet I keep doing them. Why?! Why?! I hate it so much, so much. Things in my head are really a jumbled mess. I don't know from one minute to the next if I'm coming or going or what I'm doing. One minute I'm in complete and utter crisis and the next it's like nothing ever happened and I'm as calm as a duck on water. So weird. One minute I think I should be dead and the next I'm thankful for life. I don't get it. It's so mixed up. I'm so glad it's almost a weekday again so I talk to either my psychiatrist or counselor. I've thought about the cirisis lines but I'm not in cirisis....for the most part anyway. I don't want to waste their time....I waste enough peoples time as it is. I'm just rather disturbed by myself lately. I catch myself close to od'ing on the loxapine...it's like that distonic reaction was all a dream. It's all I can do to keep myself from going through that hellish pain again. It was the worst pain of my life and yet my urges tell me to do it again. WTF?! It makes no sense. Then theirs the urges to take an od of the plaquenil. I've been able to avoid it so far....I'm truley scared that one would do me in. I've read reports on the dangers of oding on that one. That's how I manage to stop myself. When the urge gets bad I read the reports. But there will come a time when the power is out or the reports are unavailable for one reason or another and then I'm screwed. The thoughts of charcoal are pretty nasty and help keep me from giving in as well. But that only works for so long. I don't want to do anything that iwll land me in the ER again. No sense in wasting their time there. Yet I'm not off my rocker enough to utilize their services prior. I"m not actively suicidal so there really is nothing that htey can do to help me. Then there's the other urges. Ones that I've rarely had. I get an almost uncontrollable urge to take a blade to my throat. I know that is sick....I've managed to avoid that one so far as well. For how long I don't know. I haven't done any cutting since I got out of hospital a little over a week ago. I hate scars....I've got so many. Sometimes I think what difference will another scar or two make....but I see the most recent and wish they weren't there. Maybe if I cut off my arms then I won't be able to cut anymore.... Yes that's crazy I know. But these are the demons I'm fighting with. It's no wonder I'm so tired. The constant battle that goes on inside of me just to keep alive. I wonder often if it's really worth it. They say it gets better.....and for awhile I thought that was true....but the last few months have gone completely screwy on me and I'm afraid that I'll never get a chance to get better. What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm sorry for rambling, and for the nature of this entry. I'm trying desperately to get it all out of my head. I still hang on to that little thread of hope that somehow, someway I'll manage to get through this and it won't ever be an issue for me again. I see so many people I know, that I grew up with, and how successful they are in their lives. And it makes me feel like such a failure as a human. Why am I the one that got stuck with this. No one in my family is like this. It's no wonder I'm an outcast. I try to be positive....but it doesn't seem to get me any further ahead when it comes down to it.
Replies
No need to apologize for the rambling nor for the nature of your entry. These journals are here for you to write whatever you are feeling and it doesn\'t matter how long they are. I have bpd as well, and have learned a few coping skills. I am a good bit older than you but used to do the things you have done when I was younger. Twice I went to ER for cutting my wrists. Once I went for od\'ing on sleeping pills and got the charcoal treatment. But I never sought treatment for my mind until I was 32, and got diagnosed with bpd. Things have still been up and down with the exteme moods, but I have been able to manage better by not drinking so much, I don\'t know if you drink or do drugs but if you do, then stop. Also you must take care of your nutritional needs as it is really incredible how what we eat can affect our moods, and stay away from caffeine, chocolate, and sugar. Discipline in this is the key. Actually, your diversion of \"making friends with the mice\" is a pretty good idea, I think. Do you have a dog or a cat? Sometimes taking care of an animal helps me come out of my inner cave as it gives me something positive to do instead of obsessing on myself. Don\'t know if any of this helps, just know that I have been there and am still fighting the battle every day, and you are not alone. Please do not isolate yourself...is there anyone, a friend or relative whom you can count on? If not then try to find a support group or even take a class in something that interests you so you can be around people. I am a member of a meditation group and it has really helped me. Keep writing, too. You are a good writer, perhaps this is a talent you can nurture? I am thinking of you and wishing you hope.
Is the celexa something you need to stay steady on to get the right effect in your system? Be sure you take your meds correctly, abuse and withdrawal can make your mind do funny things especially if your Lupus is in the CNS like mine is. I am coming off Cymbalta right now and the nightmares are driving me crazy...I could write like Edgar Allen Poe sometimes if I wrote down my dreams! So stay on your meds the way they are meant to be taken. (my doctor wants me off the Cymbalta, that\'s why the awful withdrawal).
Hope this helps
Nan