I'm realizing today just how much I've been drinking...also realized I'm scared to stop.  I am quite sure it's what's keeping me from feeling the depressed symptoms.  Once I stop I"m afraid I'll go mad.   I also realized I'm scared to return to work...and the timing is just plain bad.  I wasn't able to talk to my psychiatrist about it today because it was a joint appointment and we had a different agenda so we've got to try to get in contact tomorrow by phone to discuss this.   Too top things off I'm chilled even though I'm now dried off.  It's nasty out today.  So I spent at least 3 hours in wet clothes :(.  And the combination of everything has me in a crummy mood.   I should get supper...and a shower (maybe that'll warm me up).  I've got my appointment tomorrow...:(  I don't want to go.