Had another bad night last night.  Well, I don't remember it being bad but I woke up with cuts from my shoulder straight down my arm to my wrist.  It hurts.  Nothing I can do about it though.   Tomorrow I have a joint appointment with my psychiatrist and my counselor...uhmm...I'm not looking forward to that.  I'd rather just see my psychiatrist. Got a call today that there might be a job for me at the hospital.  It sounds like a really good job for me...but the problem is it's just bad timing.  I wonder if it would help me to be working or cause more issues right now.  It's so much to even think about when I don't even know if some days I will survive.  I have to call them back on Thursday and let them know if I'd like to job shadow.  I want to do it but I think I'm afraid to go back...I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it...so I'd rather just not do it and not know.  That sounds horrible I know...but that's how I'm thinking right now.   Well, gonna go catch up on emails...and drink the rest of my Smirnoff's...and then try to sleep early.  I'll probably take a Loxapine tonight.