so i just finally worked up the nerve to do a practice call with the crisis line...been trying to for a week or so now.  See I used to call them all the time and then things got better so I stopped....but now when I am really bad space I can't seem to get myself to call....or I'll call but hangup before saying much of anything.  I know things have been up and down a lot lately and there's a crap load of stuff going on and my moods have been screwy so I decide I'm in an okay mood so I'll give it a try....again.  Well, this time I finally did talk to them...but you gotta factor in that I had three smirnoff first and would talk to the wall if it talked back.  So...was it successful...I dunno.  I cried.  Does that mean anything.  I told them what was on my mind, that I wasn't currently in crisis but that I was calling to try to open up the communication again in the event that any future crisises occur and told them what is going on in the family right now.  They were pretty good about it, but not so much as I would like.  They sounded puzzled...like they didn't think I should call.  But they didn't come out and say that.   So as much as I should be proud of myself for taking that step that I've been having such a hard time with...I got off the phone and am in tears and feel kind of miserable.  I'm beginning to think keeping stuff to myself might be the better option.  I really don't know.  I'm trying to reach out....but damn...this just doesn't go so well.  How did I ever used to find it to be a good thing when I used to call them?! On top of that my ex (well sorta)...we never officially were going out but used to be heavily involved with each other....is bugging me on msn.  I think he's hoping I get drunk enough to be his online sex buddy...but I am not like that anymore.  It's just gross...and wrong.  Blech.   Sure I flirt...I admit it....but that's about the extent of it. I gotta go get my eyes to stop dripping and get some stuff done.  Putting away the clean laundry would be a good step.  Maybe even clean my room a bit.  Goodness knows it needs it.  I wish i had a place for all my crap.