things are really fucked right now....but at least my pyschiatrist called....she couldn't have had better timing.  I didn't think she was in today because her message said she wasn't but didn't clue in the dates were wrong on it.  She called just after I got in a fight with the receptionist at my family doctors office.  So I was compltetely freaking out and punching things and ripping out hair and scratching and litterly just about about to down a small bottle of malibu rum.  I only got two small bottles of alcohol here...was gonna pick up some today but missed my appt and too screwed up to bother making the effort to get to the liquor store since I'll be there tomorrow anyway.  Downed a few shots of Triple sec anywya...before she called.  So I told her everything thats going on....and how i'm doing...what im' dxoing.  Everything.  First time I think that she's heard me swearing.  LOL.  She's trying to talk me into going to the hospital. I declined though.  I'm not interested in that and I don't think it will be helpful at this poitn.  Besides I don't completely want to stop drinking and cutting right now.  I realized that I've been blocking emotions again and going into hosptal just makes me block them more.  At least with all the fucked up behavior it's expresing them in a way.  Also I'm trying to figure out who I am and in the road to discovery I realize I'm going to have to be reckless and a bitch for awhile.  Even sometimes overly sweet and naive.  But I'm going to have to have extremes in order to figure out who I am and where I belong.  No more just going with the flow and doing what everyone else wants me to do.  I told my pysych i took the ativan last night she encouraged me to take more if i need it and also to try and remember to take the loxapine tonight.  she told me to take the ativan if i need it but not wait so long.  i said i forgot i  even had it until after the fact...and that it was like 4ish in the morning when i took it.  She said no wonder i waws groggy and missed the appt and thought it was very unproffessional of the reception to be argueing with me over my missed appt.  And yes i hung up on the resceptionist but then she called back and was being all pissy and i told my psych about that and she didn't think it was right.  I don't really fuckedn care what happens that clinic sucks anyway.  it's all so stupiecd banyway.  Well fuck my emoitons are acting up again and i feel like pucnhing shit....been mostly punching myself in the head....so gonna go because i'm getting to worked up.  oh plust to and to it my roommate is home and i really don't want her to see me right now.  i haven't been like this in year.