I'm so overwhelmed I can't help but pull away.  I'm walking around in a daze today...barely functioning...only enough to do what needs to be done.  How am I suppose to handle the event tonight...I promised I would help...I don't even know how I can handle being there let alone helping.  But they are my friends and I told them I would.  I can't back out now. My doctors appointment was what set this off.  I didn't tell her what was going on until the end.  She wanted to do some tests and things.  So much weird stuff is happening and I'm not sure what to make of it.  She wanted to try to redo a pap or at least try to do swabs.  She was only half successful...there's still too much bleeding and this time it was painful.  Then she told me that when I had the bone marrow biopsy done they also did some genetics testing and some of that came back abnormal.  There's a defect with my 18 chromosome....whatever that means.  Maybe that's why I'm so screwed up...I dunno.  She was talking about p and q tails and said one of the p tails is missing.  Whether this is significant we don't know but further testing is going to be done.  She then went on to do a liquid nitrogen treatment on a plantars wart that doesn't want to leave me.  I've had treatments on it for over 5 years now...I'm not sure exactly how long.  I told her afterwards how I've been feeling.  She wants to see me again before Christmas.  I just feel overwhelmed.  I also updated her on what the Rheumatologist told me and what the treatment plan is and that I'm now on plaquenil. I came home...I'm drinking...I needed something to bring me back to reality...or at least somewhat of one.  It was that or cut or od and I figured the alcohol would be the safest of them all...besides I will still be able to function and it might even make tonight easier.   I'm so hippocritical it's not funny.  I tell people how they should act and what they should do and I can't even follow my own advice.  To top that off I'm suppose to be a Christian...some Christian I am.  I'm so sick of who I am and I'm sick of dealing with my stuff and all the other stuff going on in my family.  I thought God doesn't give us more then we can handle...right now it doesn't feel that way. I'm just so overwhelmed.