I think there must be some signifigance to the time 12:34...it doesn't matter if it's am or pm.  For the last few years, but mostly the last few months I notice that I almost consistently every day look at the clock at this time.  I feel like there is a reason for it.  I tried looking at all the Bible verses that were passage 12 verse 34, I also looked at all that were passage 1, verses 23-4, or maybe it was passage 12 verse 3-4...I can't even remember...but so far nothing stands out.  It's starting to bother me. Alpha was good tonight.  I had a good time.  The food was lovely, the atmospher was lovely, the fellowship was lovely, so why am I feeling like Eeyore tonight...    The fact it's over shouldn't be bothering me yet.  I will see mostly everyone on Dec 2 for a celebration dinner.  I really don't know.  Maybe it's because I've had to add a new med, but really that shouldn't be bothering me yet at this point either.  I've only had one dose...it hasn't had a chance to impact my life yet or annoy me in any way.  In fact I feel relieved to be on a med to try and see if that helps my symptoms.I'm getting my hair cut and styled all nicely tomorrow so I really should be excited but I'm not overly.  It just feels like another chore that I've added to my list of things to do.  I know I shouldn't be drinking anything alcoholic but I just feel like I needed to do something and that seemed better then cutting.  It's not like I'm planning to have much...just a glass or two.  Then to bed I will go.Maybe I'm just headed for a down phase because things in my family have settled down to a little less chaotic level and I actually have time to process stuff.  I never had time really to grieve the loss of my brother-in-laws dad, I never had time to accept that my brother-in-law needs open heart surgery, or that my aunt has breast cancer, or that I may/may not have a life changing illness, or that those kitties that I loved so much are really gone.  I still look for them every time I leave my place or come home.  I just can't help it.  I noticed someone still has a water dish out for them.  *sigh*  If I knew who put it out I would take it back to them so I wouldn't have to see them.  I was getting ready for bed and couldn't help think that although I do have friends that over the last few years I've lost the ability to be silly and just relax and have a good time with them.  I haven't had that kind of a friendship since my best friend moved away 7 years ago.  We've seen each other once since then since she's about a 20+ hour drive away and neither of us have vehicles.  She flew down last summer to see me.  I will be going to see her in 2009 as I'm her maid of honor in her wedding.  But I miss having friends that I can just be silly and stupid with.  I feel bad that I don't know how to be like that anymore.   Isn't it amazing how much crap one person can think of in a few short hours.  I appologize for a depressing entry but I think it's important to get this stuff outta my head.  Just out so that hopefully I don't dwell on these things too long.God gives us strength to move on...right...