I'm back!!!I missed it here but I had such a great time on the Holy Spirit Weekend.  It was just what I needed.  God really did show His presence to me and the topics for this weekend were very appropriate for what I'm struggling with right now.We talked a lot about change and that we need to have courage to let go of the past/current struggles and have faith that God will provide because He has something better in mind for us.  My struggles right now are with giving up with some of my self harm behaviors...I know I need to, I mostly want to because it isn't a healthy behavior but I am so used to it that I've become comfortable with it and am maybe even afraid/scared of letting go of that because it's what I know.  But God doesn't want me to hurt myself, He wants to take that pain away from me.  We also talked about how being a Christian is NOT easy and how it takes guts and courage to stand out from the crowd.  We broke off yesterday afternoon for quiet time.  It was storming outside and I was having a hard time finding a place to go and be alone with my Bible.  I was getting so frustrated and my urges were overwhelming me...I just honestly felt like...what am I doing here, I don't belong, I should just kill myself...those thoughts all where overwhelmingly there.  Then just when I couldn't take it anymore God showed me an empty room with a bed and I went and layed there with my Bible.  I was still overwhelmed and didn't know what to do so I layed there on my stomach and asked Him to show me what it was He wanted me to see.  I opened the Bible to James and turned to Jame 1:2-27. (Copyed below from BibleGateway.com...no particular reasons for the colors, they're just pretty)  Profiting from Trials2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.The Perspective of Rich and Poor   9 Let the lowly brother glory in his exaltation, 10 but the rich in his humiliation, because as a flower of the field he will pass away. 11 For no sooner has the sun risen with a burning heat than it withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beautiful appearance perishes. So the rich man also will fade away in his pursuits. Loving God Under Trials   12 Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. 13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. 14 But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15 Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. 16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. 18 Of His own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of His creatures.  Qualities Needed in Trials   19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.  Doers—Not Hearers Only21 Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. 22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; 24 for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. 25 But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does. 26 If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless. 27 Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.  I thought that passage was so meaningful.  Not only that but we gathered for discussion afterward, I hadn't said anything, and another one of the girls said she opened to that as well and felt she needed to share that with me.  Isn't it amazing how God speaks!  Today the verse I turned to was Deuteronomy 31:6 & 8 which says: 6 Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”  and 8 And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” There's so much more I want to share about this weekend but I'd be here writing for a long time and I am thinking this is quite long already.So I'll finish off and with a quick update on the kitties.  They're still around and the kitten is getting tamer.  She let me pick her up 3 times this afternoon.  She wasn't overly happy with it so I only held her for a minute each time but she is warming up to human contact.  I was so happy to see them because it stormed so bad yesterday and overnight.  One of the vet clinics I had been talking to left a message for me saying that they will vaccinate the kitten for free and spay the mother at a reduced cost...on condition that I find them a home or at least a temporary one.  So I think my parents will foster one and my sister the other.  So sometime this week we will probably try again to cage them and take them to the clinic.  I got more pics today so I'll try in the next few days to share some of them.I'm doing fabulous...despite all that is going to be going on this week.  Funeral tomorrow, and then medical appointments up the ying-yang...lol.  I have that wonderful female yearly test Tuesday...*cough cough*...and then the echocardiogram and the bone marrow biopsy later this week on Thursday.  Going to my parents tonight so not sure if I'll get on again before Monday.