I should be sleeping but my headache is keeping me awake.  Just took some ibuprofen so hopefully it'll ease up enough to sleep.  Took my meds for sleep too.  My mood have been dropping this evening again and I'm struggling a bit with urges.  Working with the part of me that doesn't want to give into those things though.  My nephews birthday party is tomorrow evening so I couldn't do anything that would cause me not to be there.  That's what's keeping me hanging on right now.  I called my counsellor earlier today and told her what is going on.  I haven't seen her in a few weeks so I decided to update her on things.  I think I'm starting to warm up to her as my counsellor...I must be if I called her instead of my psychiatrist.  Actually I called my psychiatrist too and left a message but wasn't talking to her.  Debating calling a crisis line tonight, but i don't think i'm actually in crisis so it's kind of pointless.  Just have too many thoughts and what ifs and unknowns.  They've been there a long time but they fade when it's been awhile between appointments and tests and infections.  Now I'm right in the middle of some of it and it's hard to put it in the back of my mind. Being sick and worn down the last month or so hasn't really helped with that either.  Now every little ache and pain has me worried and I can't help but feeling like I'm falling apart.   I really am trying to stay positive, but it's hard.  How do some people seem to stay positive when things get tough?  I want to know their secret because I am trying but it's so hard.