I don't really feel anything today.  I don't know...it's been good overall.  I just came back from my parents house today.  Had a shower and basically was out the door for Alpha.  My throat is still painfully sore and I'm living off of ibuprofen and the throat rinse stuff.  Without that I wouldn't be able to swallow even water.  I feel okay overall but I still have that "gonna break" feeling.  Except now I know what it is...I know it has to do with my behaviour and my "addictions" for lack of a better way of putting it.  I don't want to give in because I the consequences could land me in a lot of trouble...but I don't want to not give in.  I want to do this stuff that I shouldn't, I want to show myself it'll be okay in the end...but the reality is I know if I do this it might be the end.  So then in my head I start trying to figure out where the best place to do it so it's not the end but that it still has the desired effect...and it's a real mess in my head.  The last time I did this I ended up in step-down from ICU (5 years ago)...so I know this dangerous....but I can't seem to put it outta my head.  I have what it on hand now too but I'm not ready to tell any one in real life or give it up.  I thought about talking to the pastor at Alpha about it...especially since tonight we were talking about giving up our pride and control...but I just couldn't.  Why can't I give this up....I know I should hand it over to God so it's not my struggle anymore but I can't seem to bring myself to do it.  I'm not going to let myself give in for awhile yet...I've really got to weigh out this and hopefully I'll be able to smarten up and give it up before something really bad happens.   Any of you that pray, please pray that I give up this before it is too late.I really don't think I want to die, it's not my intent to end things...I just feel like this is something I really need to do but I am trying not to give in.  Pray that I get help from this.With all that said I still feel surprisingly calm and that's almost scarier because I know even if I did go for help being so calm they wouldn't take anything serious.  They'll just think I'm joking...so it's not really even worth the effort.  It'll just get tossed in my face, turned around, and then I'll really feel miserable and then I'm just more likely then ever to give in.  It's a catch 22.  I'm trying to focus my faith on God so that I won't do it...but that is so shaky right now.Now I'm just rambling so I'm going to shut up now.  I just need to figure out a way to make the feeling that I HAVE to do this go away so that I won't feel like I HAVE to act on. *sigh*