it's 2am and here i am writting in my journal...i'm at my sisters house.  I got up today still with an energy hangover from yesterday and needed something to do so i went to lunch with family, my cousin paid for all of us (6 in total) so we had a grand time.  Decided to come back to my sisters...i've been telling my nephews for awhile that i would try and come out.  So here I am...i did manage to have a couple games of pool with my youngest nephew which was good but for the most part they have been out with their friends.  I miss when they were little and they would come to me for almost anything.  Now they're growing up (13...well almost, and 16).  The oldest one came home from friends house drunk or stoned....or both...and ended up puking and passed out on the deck.  My sister made me take a picture of him so he can see how bad he looks and then woke him and sent him to bed.  I hate seeing him make those choices but maybe when he wakes up feeling bad in the morning he'll start to realize it's not so cool.  He was already having memory problems from the alcohol...he thinks he lost the cell phone...but it's on the charger....and so my sister hid his smokes on him so when he wakes up he'll panick a bit thinking he lost them.  I don't blame her one bit.  He needs to learn that drinking to that point isn't responsible.  I can't say much more about it though because I do that every once in awhile myself but not much anymore.  i'm feeling wide awake and like going out for a walk but this isn't the best place to do that lately.  I sort of feel like cutting just cause i'm bored but i won't.  I don't have anything anyway.  I'm just bored and awake and it's the middle of the night.  I will soon force myself to go to bed.  Not sure what's going on tomorrow.  My sisters van needs repairs so we won't likely be doing much.  Sunday is probably church and monday i'm suppose to start Alpha.  I'm starting to feel like not going but I think I should give it a shot.  I'm just so worried that it'll be a repeat of last time...I missed a bunch of meetings because I was in hospital.  Well I'm rambling.  I need to go to bed...I just don't want to move.