Not really sure how I feel anymore. Mood wise I feel okay...but my thoughts are telling me another story. The last week or so I've had almost continuatious thoughts and urges to do things I know aren't healthy. I'm even having really disturbing thoughts of ending things and I don't know why. I don't plan on acting on any of it but it is bothering me to be having these thoughts so often and so intensely. I mentioned that to my therapist today just briefly. I told her I was confused as to why I'm thinking these things when my moods seem okay otherwise. I said I'm annoyed and frustrated. She asked if I'm suicidal right now. I said no...only because I'm not planning to act on it...but I'm not really sure. I'm so confused and I almost feel like I have to give into the urges. I can't even promise myself that I won't do stuff if the opportunity presented itself. I don't want to have these thoughts...urges. I feel fine otherwise moodwise...so it makes no sense. The big stressor which was that job shadow shift is out of the way and I thought the anticipatory stress of that was causing it but that's over and went well. I don't really know what to think.I'm suppose to start practicing my positive self talk skills that I learned in day hospital in the fall. I should be digging out all the papers from then. I'll get to it eventually. Not sure what else to say. Waiting until after 6pm my time to call my sister and see if I can go out there overnight. The only concern I have is my nephews start back to school tomorrow and things may be chaotic out there, hence why I'm waiting to talk to her before deciding to head out. There will be a lot of teenage stress going on I'm sure. The oldest is 16, going into grade 11, hates school. The youngest is almost 13, going into grade 7, first year of junior high.I feel so old when I think of their ages and how far along they are in school. It's hard to believe it was 7+ years since I graduated from high school. I hated it too but I miss it. As stressed I was back then times where easier in a lot of ways. I wouldn't go back though unless I had to and there is some things I would definitely do differently but that's why hindsight is 20/20. Guess that's about it, I'm rambling now in an attempt to pass time.
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hey there... Just read all your journals since I\'ve been gone... Sounds like you enjoyed your job shadow even though you won\'t be working there. also sounds like you aren\'t feeling that well and don\'t know why? I agree with that one dr about getting your positive thinking paper work out, it\'s a good thing to be working on. I\'m glad that you got connected back with your psychiatrist I\'m sure that felt great since you hadn\'t seen her in a while. I hope that you and your therapist are bonding well and that she can be someone that you can turn to in time of great need and in time when things are well. I missed you while I was gone, sorry to just leave you hanging, but I had to take care of myself so I wouldn\'t do something to hurt myself. I just got out of the hospital today. I\'ll send you a message... Try and write down reasons behind the thoughts of the urges you have to do things that you shouldn\'t be doing... see if that might help... I love you! Much hugs!!!