Okay it is after 3am here and normally I'd be mad to be still awake at this time of day but not today.  Yeah I had a few drinks but that's not why I'm happy to be awake either.  God has truly blessed me with the best opportunity tonight and I am so thankful for it...in fact if it wasn't for the bit of alcohol I had it probably wouldn't have happened.

 I'm normally quiet with my life when it comes to talking to family members, especially my nephews.  They are 12 (almost 13) and 16.  The oldest one who has started showing signs of mental health struggles and has a diagnosis of mild obsessive compulsive disorder.  He had a severe mood swing a few weeks ago with extreme acts of violence....took an axe to his fathers car.  Thankfully no one was hurt and he has learned a lesson from it and is paying for the damage.

 But tonight I had an opportunity to talk with him (on msn)...hey I take what I can get.  If it wasn't for msn we probably would rarely talk at all.  And I told him a lot of my past without going into details.  I told him how I struggled with stuff and how I got kicked out and lived in shelters and how I've been in and out of hospitals.  I asked him if he ever thought it would be better if I had been around more when he was growing up and he told me yes he thought it would have been so I explained to him why I hadn't been and made it clear it wasn't an excuse but was what I thought was best at the time.   We had such a good conversation.  I told him I couldn't support him smoking (cigarettes and weed) and drinking but that I understand and have been there (sometimes still am) and that I won't say anything to others about things he tells me unless I think he's going to harm himself or others.  It was just a fabulous moment and I am so thankful that I had it.  I also told him I might not always have words to say but that I will do my best to always be there for him if he needs someone to listen.  I also told him that although I don't want to keep secrets anymore that I'm not quite ready for his little brother to know these things.  

 See with my last hospitalization I realized other people have visitors often including children and teens.  I realized that not once have I ever had my nephews visit me when in hospital.  Which is fine because usually I'm not up for having visitors but I also realized they probably didn't know.  And this is a crazy world and they are probably having friends go through some of this stuff if not themselves.  So I asked my sister why she never brought them to visit and she said more or less she didn't want to explain why I was there.  So I figured that it is time for me to start opening up to them myself and telling them.  After all, it is my problem not hers and so I should learn how to tell others about it.

 My dream is to someday help others who struggle with similar issues so this is just another step in that direction.  Regardless of whether they have these issues or not.  I do know one girl my oldest nephew knows died recently from a hanging (not determined if she did herself or if someone did it to her)...so I figure it's best to open up now.  He said he was glad I told him.  He had know idea of a lot of the stuff but he was glad to know and said it is helpful knowing that.  

 Anyway, I guess that is really it...I'm just really pleased with how it went since I've been wanting to have the conversation for awhile now and it just never seemed to be a good time.  And being my journal I can write these kinds of things...lol .  

 Well, it's almost 3:30am but I really wanted to write this out so I don't forget this moment and how I feel because of it.  I feel a small weight lifted.

 The only problem I have is I'm reminded of a situation a few days ago when someone (not that I knew) asked me what happened to my arms (scars).  I was ashamed with my answer and shrugged if off saying it was just something from my past and left it at that.  But I want to be able to overcome that and be honest with it.  If someone askes I want them to know that yes I cut myself and no I'm not proud of it, but that is part of who I am (or have been) and that this issue exists for many people out there.  But that was a reminder to me that I'm not quite as comfortable about the scars as I try to convince myself and that I have something now to work towards.

 Okay....now before I ramble on anymore I am going to have to go to bed.  It's already likely that I will miss church in the morning.  I may go in the evening though to make up for it.