I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been doing really good for awhile now but suddenly I'm f*cken pissed and feel like cutting. I'm so mad all because of someone wanting to meet with me tomorrow. They contacted me yesterday to meet with them either today or tomorrow (pretty short notice, if you ask me) and expect me to change all my plans around to meet with them about a job that is only one shift every 2 weeks. Do they expect me to survive off of 7 hours of pay for 14 days. I don't think so and it isn't worth changing my schedule all around for that. I have to ration bus tickets now as it is and this stupid person has me all bent out of shape over this. Why is it bothering me so much. I thought I'd be looking forward to any job at this point it's been so long since I've worked. Yet this comes up and now I want to cut, od, drink and every other thing I'm not suppose to do. I've got family coming from out of town that I only see once every 1-2 years and I want to see them...plus I told my aunt that I would be around tomorrow and help her out. I see my new counsellor today in 1 hour. Maybe I'll mention all this to her...if I'm comfortable enough. I've only met her once before though. I wish I was seeing my psychiatrist but she's on vacation until next week. I trust her so much more...plus I can tell her everything. I can tell her about dad's latest accident...and about how I had to be there for my mom...and how when everyone was asleep I would sneak into something I wasn't suppose to...sorry I can't say right now what it was. How my energy has been total crap lately...even though my moods have been good until today. I really feel like getting drunk before going to my appointment with my counsellor today. I wonder what her reaction would be. Maybe she'd kick me out and not let me see her again. I wouldn't care, not like I ever got used to her anyway. I'm in such a friggen crappy mood. I know I should be greatful for any job opportunity that comes my way but the timing really just pisses me off.
Replies
Sweetheart!!!!! I don\'t think I got to you in time before your appt, I hope and pray that you didn\'t get drunk before you counselors appointment!!!! Moods change quickly with BPD, you should know that. I know how much that sucks!!!!! it really sucks how the one person that you can trust is out of town, I know how that goes too! and whats up with the sneaking around and getting into something you aren\'t supposed to???? please tell me, I\'ve told you everything?? I wouldn\'t worry about that job, it sounds good because you haven\'t worked, but if it causes you to feel like this and want to do all these horrible things, then it\'s not worth it at all!!!!! I\'ve been there and done that and it\'s not worth it! I took a job like that and carried it for nine months and I was in and out of the hospital more times than I could count, cutting like crazy, it just wasn\'t good. So I finally quit that job and havn\'t worked since. God will provide you a job that he desires you to have, this is just the devil playing around with you, thats why you are having all these temptations and bad moods. You need to be able to get to know your knew therapist in a healthy way not under the influence of any drug or alcohol. it takes at least three to four sessions to realize if it\'s going to be a good fit or not. I\'ve missed you on here for the last few days... It\'s okay to be in a crappy mood, just don\'t let yourself be overwhelmed by it, feel it, reckonize it, just don\'t let it control you, talk about it with anyone who will listen and understand. like your journal, or your therapist or me or your psychiatrist. Please let me know how you are. I\'m praying for you!!! Much love and hugs!!!
Rachael