well that's that...i'm not going to emerg so therefore i am not going into hospital...i'm in a f*cken lousy mood this whole system just plain sucks.   i know i'm gonna crash even lower but it doesn't matter...maybe with any luck whatever i end up doing this week will be final...but i know it won't....it never is....i just can't keep going through this and feeling like this...i can't wait to find out if the meds kick in...it's not even a guarentee that they will... i can't keep fighting this anymore